Looking at trans timelines is the mind killer tbh. Stop doing that.

Its useful for like, surgical info or understanding what hrt does, but it should also be noted a lot of people choose their best pics to upload and so on, the Instagram effect.

i feel you

or at least the one that constantly gets pushed into my face on Twitter.

Fwiw I've been fulltime for almost a decade and I feel this way too.

I don't think you should be hard on yourself for "wasting so much time" though, it's rarely if ever easy to come out. Also Yes You Have "been trans" longer!

Also bear website is the best trans community anywhere online. I was a brainwormed /tttt/ dork once, this place has been really healthy for me ngl.

fwiw, it's fairly cheap and easy to mix up a bunch of injectable HRT at home compared to paying regular price or buying grey market pills. Enough to last years at high dosage. and I'd 1000% support a !mutual_aid@hexbear.net post to raise some cash to order you the supplies if the upfront cost is too much.

But also comparing yourself to other people on twitter is probably a recipe for pain no matter what. What's been helping me is seeing other out, proud, "imperfect" trans people IRL. Sure, some of them have body features I'm jealous of and may never have, but the opposite is also true, many would probably feel the same about me, and regardless they still are all just living their best lives, accepting each other and fostering joy and community. I also don't feel at home in that community IRL yet, but its not for lack of people being welcoming, it's my own thing to work out. Personally I'd say ditch twitter entirely but ik some people have valued social connections there.

Don't compare yourself to the trans people here.

They're like the smart kids who always fuck up the curve for the rest of the class

Yep, right there with you. I've been trapped in the mid-transition uncanny valley for a while, and I'm not even sure which side of it I'm on anymore. I absolutely cannot look at other people's timelines while I'm in this state of mind. lol

not for nearly as long, only a few years now, but i've been in a similar position. at a point where even boymoding outside i worry i'm just being seen as a non-passing trenny. i guess i've been telling myself that there's never going to be a point where i just start to be able to pass, hrt doesn't work like that. no matter what i do there's going to be an awkward phase where even with my best efforts i'll be socially out but non-passing. and that if i have a chance to pass i'm hurting myself by not getting that awkward phase outta the way now. maybe i'm putting too much emphasis on passing. plus telling myself this shit hasn't helped me so idk what i'm trying to say. brainworms suck. hope it gets better for the both of us. <3

Same but for voice, I feel the same way watching some coworkers that are also trans and apparently affording voice therapy and progressing rapidly. It took me almost 10 years to find something accessible and its still DIY and taking its time. My voice still outs me a lot, I'm passing a lot better but not great. On the flip side, my trans man coworker has the voice down, but doesn't physically pass, and I recall having similar troubles as him early in transition with people being miserable bigoted assholes.