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π³οΈββ§οΈ Transmasculine Pride Ring π³οΈββ§οΈ
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SALUTE
I have barely watched Breaking Bad
Here is a screenshot of where to find the spoiler button.
Let's have another good week everyone 
struggling with my mom, long post
okay so the thing with my mom is. things will be calm for a while but once every 1-2 months she will seemingly randomly blow up at me. Then she will tell me that actually, it's my fault because she had been enduring a lot of poor behavior from me and had gotten to the end of her rope and that's the reason why she starts yelling. She said she never does it randomly, it's always my fault.
The things that I do that bother her that drain her "to the end of her rope" is stuff like, sometimes I will get into a cycle of sleeping and waking up really late (like, 1-2 pm late) and she hates that. And also sometimes I annoy her by "talking back" (which never registers to me as talking back, in my head it always registers as me just sharing my perspective.) And I don't always proactively go make dinner, sometimes I have to wait til I'm called (though sometimes I am proactive about it!! she just calls me way earlier than necessary!!!) She also gets annoyed seeing me lying in bed during the day (something she does herself), by my messy room, by the fact that in her eyes I don't go out enough, and because she thinks I'm just lazing about the house all day. In reality, I'm usually doing a lot of personal projects; if I'm not doing those it's usually because I'm incredibly depressed and/or tired that day.
So I do all these things that annoy her, but she tamps it down until she explodes, and then I get hurt when she does that. Also all the things I do to her are me abusing her. Oh and today she was like "oh you're going to go online or to your friends and complain about me, which I don't think is fair" which... idek anymore.
Am I in the wrong here? Please, if I'm in the wrong here, please tell me. I want to give my mom a fair chance, I feel horribly guilty. But I don't know what to do. With my various neurodivergencies (ADHD, autism, OCD, depression, etc.) there's no way I can be 100% on top of things all the time like she wants me to. Like I would also prefer if I could wake up early and go to sleep early every day, but I just can't. It's basically impossible for me. And I try my best to be pleasant and helpful around the house but sometimes I do get annoyed at having to cook and I have a hard time hiding that all the time.
She says that I break her trust because I don't have "consistency" and that me "trying" isn't enough. But trying is all I can do, I don't know what more I can do but try. I just can't help the fact that some of the things she wants from me are exponentially more difficult than they are for other people. But maybe I'm the one who doesn't have enough self-discipline or something.
Also she told me today that she expected me to take care of the house and my brother and her more. She's disabled, I get it, but why is this all my responsibility now? I get that I'm the older child (the "eldest daughter" even if I'm not a girl) and I'm technically an adult but am I wrong in feeling that this is a bit unfair? That all the responsibility for this is on me and none of it is on my brother or my dad? And yet my mom thinks my brother is the much better family member, she goes on and on to me about how my brother is such a better person than me (mostly because he's less neurodivergent, tbh.)
I don't know what to do. I don't. I can't stand it anymore. This hair-trigger kind of anger that apparently I'm always setting off because just the way I exist is wrong.
When the retro poster woman has a freakishly small waist 
But her shoulders look proportionally large 
Anyway, you folkesβ advice to look at normal people non-judgmentally is nice. Helps Iβm mostly around boring crackers. Itβs obvious most adults donβt have tiny waists and Iβve never cared anyway. Shoulders in general often look weird regardless of size. Weird thing is I only know how I want to look by what I find attractive and I only find very rare people attractive atm.
dysphoria
Got hit by a random dysphoria wave this morning so I took a million pictures trying to convince myself I don't look horrible and hated them all. But seeing them now with a clearer head a lot of them actually turned out really cute, so at least something good came out of it.
I feel like I don't have many trans things going on in my life (despite it being the only thing I think about), but I guess I'll just say I'm very trans and very happy right now. I feel good, I've been talking to all kinds of lovely trans people, its good vibes. Maybe not tonight, but I want to make another cute bracelet. Maybe a basic braid would be a good second one to go for. Just feelin' good after a kinda rough week 
As far as my digging reveals, there are no known trans people in the towers on 9/11
Up to 18,000 people were in the towers when the first plane struck, so statistically at least one is trans
Hi trans mega, my beloved, my stinky. I could feel the energy draining out of me as a result of not posting for the lil queers in my phone. I don't have any cool gender posts to give you, instead I have a shitpost.
gamerbrain
I've been staring at Guilty Gear from afar basically since Xrd -Sign- came out, thinking it looks kinda funny. When Beloved Brisket 
got a big boost and a proper redesign around the time Strive came out, I was like 'it would be a really funny bit to get into GuillyGeer just to main Brisket. Good bit idea.'
These and other goofy thoughts crystallised recently when Taigen Moon used Potemkin's theme from Korean Guilty Gear XX as the theme for a Gamefan documentary. Guilty Gear has the same appeal as mid-00s Sonic I think, that thing where it constantly wobbles between being kinda eyerolling and earnestly cool as fuck. It's also rare to see an anime game with actually good art instead of generic slop, and the overarching story sounds pretty rad.
So I'm attracted to GG exclusively for vain reasons, and I've never really played a fighting game before so it's obviously a really good idea to smash my head into one of the fastest and most difficult ones there is. I put Guilty Gear X, X2, and Accent Core on my PS2 and Accent Core Plus on my Wii U. Gonna try to play on low latency displays or just a CRT. I am scared though, Arcsys is gonna bully me probably. I like Bayonetta and Metal Gear Rising so I figure some of that might transfer, but weh scary fightan gaem.
DO IT FOR HER
Every birthday just makes me incredibly sad, like I can't even remember the last time I had a good one. 
Yeeeaaaah I don't think "I'm" actually as genderfluid as I thought... 
happy posting (about height)
okay chat so maybe I saw a couple women who maybe were cute and maybe they were actually my height and maybe a little taller 
and just maybe I'm not totally fucked because of my height. Maybe. Either way felt really good to see some people actually are my size, doesn't happen all the time. So uh yea, I'm just having a good day now.
Working with people who didn't grow up communicating over text blows. Why does everything need to be a meeting?
holy shit, chat, i completely forgot my tax returns!
dont have to wait a month to pay my bills now! 
There are years where nothing happens and weeks where decades happen and babygirl? I've been having some WEEKS.
intrusive thought
as a kid in primary school, we watched this PSA thing about electricity and the dangers of it. and this kid uses a knife to unjam the bread from the toaster and gets electrocuted. literally for like the past 15 years I cannot make toast without the intrusive thought of 'what if I just jammed this knife in the toaster tho?'. like, I'm not gonna do it, I don't want to get electrocuted that shit sucks. but that PSA really embeded the 'DO NOT DO THIS THING' into my head as a fucking cognito hazard
Just purchased some Doc Marten's for myself. Can't wait for them to come in 
been feeling like complete and utterly self isolating self destructive shit, so trying to channel it into writing. for years I have wanted to write a space opera, and I finally have started to do some deeper world building on the speculative evolution of different species. I have a weird autistic frustration every time I watch sci fi, even tho I love the genre, that most series do not have major species in their galaxy be anything other than 'weird humans', it's just stastically improbbably impossible that we'd have THIS much covergent evolution towards the same bodyplan (we ain't crabs buddy, it's not that solid a body plan). you're telling me, across these thousands of species, all of them somehow evolved the same symetry we did? and all of them have 2 eyes, 2 nostrils, a mouth on the face, 2 arms and legs? but they got like a weird head crst or something? na fam, that's just boring. where are their adaptations to their environment! life on earth is so diverse and fucking weird, let alone with thousands of different environmental factors on other planets
just a bunch of freaking out
I wish I felt regular I wish I was feeling normal I wish I was emotionally regulated I wish I didn't get prescribed silly drugs that fuck up your brain for however many days, I fuckin said SSRIs and SNRIs were shit for that, is it too much to ask to want anxiety fucking sorted??? I have probably come as far as I can on willpower alone, truly Posting Through It all the time, but I just don't wanna have negative fuckin spiralling anxious neurotic worries or semi weekly total collapses that require me to not interact with anyone at all, for days, fuck.
Fuck this fucking country. ONE HOUR frequencies. An entire fucking hour!! In one of the biggest cities in the country!!! And guess what? My fucking bus didn't show up, again. This happens at least once a month like clockwork, eating away at what little extra money I have to get an Uber. Amazing.
I know we all like to hate on the cis, and I get it, but have you considered the poor bastards don't even have a favorite dysphoria hoodie? I can't imagine living like that.
Anyway very :comfy: and eepy, goodnight mega.
good mega feeling: getting a reply from either magi or ash and waiting for the other to respond as well
I just took my girlnap, it had a lot of transness in it. Talking with you all, the minecraft server, myself as my real name and I was a girl (at least for some of it), and the mob in my front yard.
But what I remember most was getting girl shorts and panties. I didn't get to try them, but I was so close. I knew I was dreaming, but I tried to convince myself it was real and I was actually getting them.
I need girl clothes so bad I'm going to spend so much money on this stuff.
E is doing something to my face, and I know I say this every time I shave, but this time it actually looks softer*. I don't think it's that shaving euphoria/dysphoria cycle paradox this time. Either way, the cycle continues.
*disclaimer
It always has looked softer to me after I shave, but something about my face this time has me thinking I genuinely look different compared to how I did before.
dysphoria and substance abuse
get dysphoric because of body fat distribution
drink about the dysphoria
can't lose any weight because i keep drinking so damn much
can't weight cycle without losing weight first
go to step one
I WANT OFF MR. BONES' WILD RIDE
Hosting the mega has actually been a great experience. It's so much easier to keep up with the posts when I can easily see what I have and have not read in my inbox. The flow of comments wasn't even that bad, considering I don't really post in too many other places. 10/10 would reccomend, the hardest part was honestly getting the post up in the first place (a me problem that's not inherent to hosting the thread).
On today's episode of me starting to look subtly more like my mother, I just found a red hair, the first one in a while. It's a lot darker than hers but still a reminder.
If we have a gaystylejoker, I sure hope there isn't a straightstylejoker 
Worn out. Dealing with some confusing mental stuff around socializing.
spoiler
Had an anxiety attack yesterday and went driving around to try and clear my head. I feel like going this long not having people consistently outside of my immediate family has been detrimental. My brain says "they're not reaching out, they surely have stopped caring" about my college friends and the fact that I don't have people standing in front of me, saying "I care about you" tells me that that's right.
I'm pretty sure that I'm caught in some cognitive distortions around socializing. Making friends feels like this weird insurmountable task, like I don't know how to just do that without the context of us being in school, or having a mutual friend. In school, before I knew I was neurodivergent, before I questioned my identity, I gave it my all and strung myself out. Now I am terrified to give the bare minimum because I never felt that reciprocity from others, and I don't really know why. I don't want to put my energy in places where it isn't appreciated.
With all of this, I'm worried that I'm deeply overthinking something that is for most people intuitive. Relationships make no fucking sense to me at this point.
Edit
spoiler
I haven't had consistent friends since the pandemic. I thought my parents would care more? They just let me live here and lose all sense of direction I guess
Do people ever have a responsibility to step in and help? Or are we really all just kites in the wind
I'm confused because I changed ALL my behaviors because of the severity of my mental health and nobody so much as asked about what I was going through. And like, how do I now go back to those people that were willing to watch me fall?
Or do I say, that boy you remember is someone else who is GONE, but I'm here now, whatever I happen to be today
I'm running on fumes. I'm realizing that I have zero (0) people and that the blank stares those cis people gave me for six years in college might be the closest I get to a community of people who exist in the same room as one another. It blows chunks.
HRT talk :D
I switched to sublingual a few weeks ago after doing oral for about a year and a half (after 2 years of sub-q Injections which I stopped after my bottom surgery since injecting myself was pretty anxiety inducing and I didn't need to suppress T production anymore); and WOW this feels so much better. I guess I didn't notice how much "less good" I felt on oral than injections since it was a slow change and it wasn't horrible or anything. My libido is back way up to where it was on injections (I had assumed that was just unrelated changes in libido, but apparently not), my skin feels extra soft, and most crazy of all, after almost 4 years of hrt, MY BOOBS ARE TENDER AGAIN!! Like I thought I was done and doomed to zero boob gang years ago, but apparently there is hope :D
I must be one hot chicken because my breasts are tender. 
CW dysphoria, body stuff, brainworms
Ive been feeling so weird about my breasts lately. Ive been diy my whole transition, and theres these worms in my brain telling me thats why my breasts are so small. Theyre just little cones! They protrude enough that they fit depthwise into a c cup (or b or d depending on brand and style), but they have so little volume. I keep trying to go get my levels checked (never done that before π) but its really difficult for me, cause of timing and no health insurance, but also because im terrified ill go in and the doctor will basically tell me ive ruined any chance of having breasts larger than an a cup. I worry that monotherapy isnt working for me anymore, and while i can get hormones and perscriptions im so bad at going to this place to get them that I havent, despite having had access for over 6 months. I just want breasts proportional to my body damn it! I want to look like a girl even when im not exclusively wearing clothing that is super flattering on me!
HAHAHA! YES! MY HAIR IS LONG ENOUGH TO FIT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN!
