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i've felt profoundly alienated and unable to connect on basic things lately.

I am having a very hard time finding work, and i'm realizing the world is both worse than i thought, and i'm starting to doubt my willingness to do what it takes to fight it.

I really just want to hide, and spend all day learning and reading what i can, trying to forget people want to destroy me for my identity. I can barely stand going outside lately. I don't find as much joy in anything, i'm often emotionally blunted. I just lost a family member that was dear to me, and maybe that's part of it.. but honestly this has been going on longer than that. it's just getting worse.

i've been forcing myself to go outside and make new connections when I can, and it seems to be helping at least.

Yeah I'm gonna take this opportunity to trauma dump a bit. Put it behind a CW, I get pretty dark but I really felt like typing this out, especially after I had a really awful day at work today.

you're lucky you have a partner.

I'll never have one, or even be able to hook up or have a fling or FWB or anything, because I'm a NEET on disability.

if it wasn't for my partner eventually i would have just stopped giving a shit and done something stupid with drugs on purpose

i know im in a differnet spot then you this is so fucked but the only good thing about climate change is my SADD comes later now and is shorter. but then hits again in the summer?

i love hiking and can't stand the world all dead and sterile like when you come out of the vault in fallout. so i just started embracing that and finding abandoned stuff to hike around

love ya im sleepy hope that made sense just sharing stuff

I highly recommend a gigantic pot of chili. It might just be that I am highly food motivated, but during the winter I get enormous comfort out of having a warm bowl of beanis and rice waiting for me when the day is over.

And it freezes great!

Moods like this always tell me I need escape

Not like escape from my problems (though that would of course be nice), but escape from me. That stagnant routine becomes a welcome backbone to my day-to-day when I'm really ensconced in something, be it a piece of media or a creative project of my own. Even just a couple hours of being so mentally involved in something that my awareness of myself melts away is deeply restorative. Maybe your depression doesn't stem from boredom like mine did (I think) but if it does, a little time in the flow state usually does the trick

Edit: this is very therapist-tone and I don't like it, so I want to also say something chummy and shitposty like "keep existing to enjoy the days Kissinger can't"

I'm sorry corgi :( Yeah, our world is really good at making us feel worthless. Depression is a really rough feeling, especially when the seasons start coming into play. I've felt like I've been in auto pilot for a while and that's definitely a hard feeling to deal with. We keep putting up with the auto-pilot for those great moments like getting to stay at your partner's place, or getting a tutu for your pupper.

It would be too much to explain how, so I'm just coming in here to log a 'yes'.

spoiler

I’ve been feeling like that recently.

I can never get enough sleep no matter how much I actually get.

this was 2021-2023 for me. it turned out i had moderate obstructive sleep apnea. i just thought i was getting old and the world was falling apart, which are true statements. but the apnea thing had been silently building and its effects are cumulative over the years of never getting any real rest for the mind or body, as it would have to stir itself roughly every 2-3 minutes because i had stopped breathing. all of this unnoticed by me, just tired in the morning and tired all day and tired in the evening. sneaking naps when i could. i only did the sleep study because my PCP had been voicing her suspicions for nearly a year and pushing me to get it done. i was blase about all of it, but figured i would check the box to get her off my case about it.

my first real good night's sleep in several years, if not a decade, was january 2024. the materials said the effects of treatment were also cumulative and it would take months to disentangle my mind and body from what had happened to them, but after that first night i knew i was on the right track. i didn't wake up irritable. i didn't feel like i wanted another hour of sleep. i just calmly opened my eyes like an android, took note of the time, oriented myself, and started my day. i'm nearly a year later, and there's no question in my mind it saved my life in more ways than one. as my senses grew sharper, i noticed opportunities to improve my situation and had the energy and will to pursue them. i made conscious choices to replace good habits with bad habits. it all snowballed. "drink plenty of fluids and get plenty of rest" seems to be the perennially good advice for life.

i'm not saying you have sleep apnea and that this is your way forward or that diagnosis/treatment of everything isn't plagued by capitalist BS. however, i have noticed that a lot of people do have the apnea and are ashamed or embarrassed about having it, so they don't mention it until i'm like evangelizing to them one-on-one out of nowhere about how treatment changed my whole ass life. so its like this hidden epidemic. and i had no clue what was going on, despite being pretty invested/involved in my body and meta-cognition.

anyway, hang in there. i saw a corgi on a walk yesterday in the cold and it had on little yellow rubber boots that matched the poncho, which it seemed quite proud of as it eagerly pulled the bipedal parent along. everybody on the street was sort of transfixed by the scene.

I want to be very clear that YES, this is the depression talking. Everything you described is real and frustrating but not insurmountable and it sounds like you are starting out in a down place before looking at each.

If you are not in therapy I would seriously suggest looking into it to try to learn coping skills to pull out of negative moods. If books are your thing I really really rely on the methods in David Burns's Feeling Good. At very least I think it is helpful to be vocal with someone you trust and who loves you about the kinds of moods you can fall into. Don't inflict it on them but just try to describe neutrally, and maybe tell them they don't need to solve it but just listen at first.

Also Seasonal Affective Disorder is real.

Sorry if any/all of this is already very obvious to you, maybe it will help someone else in the future also.

Source: constantly battling crippling depression but trying to make the best of it lol

Rooting for u comrade

You are the best, Corg! I hope you feel better soon

Yeah I feel this way a lot i hope you feel better

Yes, I do. Have for a while. I don't fit with life.

yuuuuup

no partner, community, or job and no way to get any of those without immense suffering and even if i tortured myself to try there's no reason to expect success. it's like a slot machine but you get a bone broken every time you pull the lever and the prize is still suffering under capitalism and all the other social ills marginalizing us.

Yeah, I know them feels love

The only saving grace I have is that I have a kind and caring partner who basically drags me out of my personal plague pit every day

A real Do it for her kind of gal

Seasonal affective disorder exacerbates all this kind of stuff, to keep you warm

Seasonal affective disorder exacerbates all this kind of stuff, to keep you warm