so i was walking through the house earlier when i noticed that one board that my parents insist on keeping which tracks how tall me and my siblings were through time with the little marks and the date of when the mark was kept? out of curiosity I went and I checked my height as it stands now and... I've apparently lost about half an inch since I was 17. God I guess I wasn't going crazy, I do feel faintly just a bit shorter since starting HRT. It's totally possible it might just be normal aging things but I think it might be true, HRT does make you shrink a little
traaaaaaannnnnnnnnns
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Really hoping I pass enough for my sisterβs wedding
Got really drunk on saturday and finally came out to my irl friend group chat. Waking up not remembering doing that was "fun". This is also the second time I've gotten way too drunk and came out (first time was almost ten years ago when I came out to them at a party as bisexual)
Would not recommend it.
internalized transphobia relating to age
In my coming out message I put in my chosen name and for the first two days afterwards, I thought that maybe I wasn't ready to do that.
On analyzing that feeling I'm realizing that it might just be attatched to my internalized shame about coming out at my age and feeling that this whole thing, this whole experience, is a kid/teen/young adult thing. Like thinking about it makes me feel like I'm going to be physically ill. I actually gag when I think about it, out of shame or embarrassment.
I think I need to talk to more older trans people.
Hi Ambii
same feelings
internalized shame about coming out at my age and feeling that this whole thing, this whole experience, is a kid/teen/young adult thing. Like thinking about it makes me feel like I'm going to be physically ill. I actually gag when I think about it, out of shame or embarrassment.
I really felt the exact same way and still do sometimes. It's actually very common. I made a post about it once, and there were a lot of very supportive people who responded. You can check out what they said Here . I'm on the older end of the general population here as far as transition age goes, but there are some people who transitioned even later than me in that thread.
In fact, this feeling is so common that this isn't the first time I've linked this post
You can DM me whenever if you wanna chat with a ahem mature woman.
Had a dream I had an avatar to go out in my place to do stuff for me, felt nice since I didn't have to mask so much only downside was resisting the urge to bunnyhop everywhere to save time
Realizing there was a period of my life where I'd skip everywhere since I thought it was both fun to do and got me around faster what if I'm actually in some sort of simulation
"yes please i will download a torrent of this series that is 55gb. it's only twelve episodes at 1080p but that's a reasonable file size to expend"
words no one has ever said
All this time putting nail polish on you'd think I be good at it, nah just slather on a base coat the polish the top. The polish on my skins falls off day after and it looks like I know what I'm doing
Muddled philosophy brain go brrr.
I must know everything about everything else before I know anything about gender or sexuality. I think itβs weird most people arenβt foundationalists, but I suppose itβs a matter of efficiency.
I love you all so much. Thank you for helping me be my best self and finding true happiness πππ
Finally have my fertility preservation consult later today. I hope the process is quick from this point on because putting HRT on hold for a month for this was not very cash money. Just let me in the hospital goon closet a couple times so I don't have to worry about this anymore
I just couldn't be bothered, maybe I will regret that later but also whatever. Respect to everyone who wants kids but I figure if I ever get my shit together to that degree we'll figure something out lol
CW: sad
Happy jan 6 everybody! I'm gonna be smoking weed and practicing martial arts on the porch to celebrate.
i have the irresistible urge to be gay AND to do crime... i wonder what that's about
spoiler
secretly kind of hoping that Donald Trump will be too busy thining about invading Greenland and/or Canada that he'll be too busy to do anything terrible for trans people
Fingers crossed, and hopefully Canada will be too busy thinking of Trump's impending invasion for the next likely PM (Poilievre) to do the same as well.
sorry boss i can't come in to work today. my wife is holding my arm hostage while she sleeps. yeah idk i'll be in next week maybe. i expect full pay for this
Does it make sense that I'm kind of hoping I've actually been infertile all along? Then I wouldn't have to be responsible about fertility preservation. It would just be a fact of life and nothing anyone can blame me for
CW: Depression, dysphoria
I have been so godsdamned depressed the last few days that is stemming from some extreme dysphoria that I've been feeling with. And yes, regardless of after having had top and bottom surgery, I am capable of becoming dysphoric. I don't feel genuine. I feel fake. Without having had those experiences I missed on growing up, I feel that I will always be on the outside looking in regardless of what I do. I always see these ciswomen whose experiences I could never emulate and it just kills me on the inside. Yay. I have a vagina, I have breasts, but I'll never have those experiences. It depresses the hell out of me and it is draining the will to live out of me. I hate it so much. Couple that with feeling of not being capable of fitting in with any trans communities for a multitude of reasons. Further couple that with the crushing depression that's on and off since my divorce and I just fucking hate life right now. yay
Richard and Mortimer was quite good for it's run, I especially like when one half of the titular characters turned themselves into a pickle. Had the series continued perhaps that scallywag Richard could have transformed some more possibly into a woman, they might have finally been happy. Alas with the cancellation by the Woke Council with the show's association with the Ronald McDonald corporation we shall never see this possibility.
bad mental health, meltdown, alcohol
Kinda snapped last night and had a little violent meltdown and feel bad about it and embarrassed by how fucking juvenile and pathetic it was
I don't even really remember what triggered it
I ate some dinner and got drunk but not like, sloppy drunk and it was all pretty normal and like the next thing I knew something in me kinda snapped and I was out in the garage beating the shit out of a spare door that's propped up against the shelves out there absolutely raging and yelling
Bruised my hand pretty bad but I don't think I broke anything thankfully but jfc
Gonna commit to no booze now, that's never really happened to me before, I've always been more of either a "aww I love you" drunk or a maudlin kinda ruminating drunk, never an angry one and that kinda scared the shit out of me
Like, how long was that building up for? How much more shit like that is just lurking in the back of my head festering? (I know I'm a big gymrat but for the record, no, I'm not on gear, so it's not roid rage)
Idk, fuck
This shit sucks ass
I'm way too old for feeling like a ridiculous angsty teenager
so cold
every single person who's ever protested the building of new homes because it'll lower house prices should have their house confiscated and given to someone who doesn't suck
Got some neat stuff thrifting
Kinda wish I could post pics because some of the clothes are really cute imo and I actually found stuff that (mostly) fit me
Found some nice gym stuff too, got a pair of fancy tech wear sweatpants that make my legs and look good
Got some cute plushies my cats have been enjoying too and a street hockey stick for playing cat hockey in the house and that's been fun
Bless whatever tall/large femme donated the shiny windbreaker and hoodie with the faux fur hood lining and sleeve cuffs, think it might be my favorite dysphoria hoodie now despite it being a little short on the torso and sleeves
Might hem it to a crop top or elbow length sleeves and wear it as a summer night kinda layer later but it's really cute imo in a "sporty goth (queer)" kinda way and I'm kinda in love with it
I try to dress well no matter what I do, (I have low self-confidence, but knowing I look the best I can do helps a ton) but the last couple of days have been so cold that shapeless bundle of cloth have been the only viable option. I hate winter
Trying to get used to drinking water again after having energy drinks being my primary mode of hydration during the winter holidays. Water kinda sucks