this post was submitted on 25 May 2025
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Lemmy Shitpost

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Welcome to Lemmy Shitpost. Here you can shitpost to your hearts content.

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[–] owl@infosec.pub 107 points 1 week ago (14 children)

I'm gonna choose the side effect and you choose the power:
"I ___, but only when I'm hard."

[–] OldManBOMBIN@lemmy.world 175 points 1 week ago

am the world's greatest kindergarten teacher

[–] fahfahfahfah@lemmy.billiam.net 59 points 1 week ago (1 children)
[–] owl@infosec.pub 36 points 1 week ago

"I'm gonna explain everything later, just don't interfere."

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[–] Kidplayer_666@lemm.ee 85 points 1 week ago (38 children)
[–] bjoern_tantau@swg-empire.de 108 points 1 week ago (2 children)

It hurts extremely because your whole body is physically altered.

[–] moonlight@fedia.io 28 points 1 week ago
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[–] Venus_Ziegenfalle@feddit.org 43 points 1 week ago (8 children)

You shift by magically turning yourself inside out ass first

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[–] saltnotsugar@lemm.ee 66 points 1 week ago (11 children)

Ability to make cheese at will.

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[–] bjoern_tantau@swg-empire.de 57 points 1 week ago (15 children)
[–] LouSlash@sh.itjust.works 77 points 1 week ago (4 children)

Every time you do it, you land on a poop

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[–] jewbacca117@lemmy.world 38 points 1 week ago (5 children)

You can only teleport your body. Meaning you will always arrive naked.

[–] Aurenkin@sh.itjust.works 35 points 1 week ago

I need your clothes, your boots and your motorcycle

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[–] faltryka@lemmy.world 33 points 1 week ago* (last edited 1 week ago) (9 children)

Granted, but your momentum is teleported with you. The earth is hurtling through space at over 100,000 km and you are on its -spinning- surface subjected to multiple momentum influences constantly.

Keep it to short distances and you might be ok, but with distance comes chaos.

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[–] Greg@lemmy.ca 50 points 1 week ago (11 children)
[–] charonn0@startrek.website 64 points 1 week ago (1 children)

You fart continuously while using it.

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[–] MarcomachtKuchen@feddit.org 39 points 1 week ago (18 children)
[–] Carnelian@lemmy.world 47 points 1 week ago (1 children)

It turns out nobody really thinks often enough for you to get any information

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[–] Aurenkin@sh.itjust.works 28 points 1 week ago (2 children)

When you read someone's mind you involuntarily blurt out everything you read.

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[–] FQQD@lemmy.ohaa.xyz 39 points 1 week ago (3 children)

Have my nose grow every time I lie

[–] hypnicjerk@lemmy.world 90 points 1 week ago (1 children)
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[–] Olgratin_Magmatoe@slrpnk.net 38 points 1 week ago* (last edited 1 week ago) (16 children)

The ability to get my DnD group to have a sensible, routine schedule, with no cancelations.

[–] gofsckyourself@lemmy.world 28 points 1 week ago (2 children)

They are always completely distracted and on their phones the whole time.

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[–] sour@feddit.org 31 points 1 week ago (12 children)
[–] esc27@lemmy.world 41 points 1 week ago (4 children)
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[–] Turret3857@infosec.pub 31 points 1 week ago (10 children)

Neural typical ignoramus is what I choose. I'd like to be able to ignore what's happening in my country and be happy like a bunch of these dumbassss

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[–] Washedupcynic@lemm.ee 28 points 1 week ago (15 children)

With the snap of my fingers I can instantly cause the death of authoritarian dictators.

[–] rmuk@feddit.uk 60 points 1 week ago (1 children)

You're one of those people who can't click their fingers.

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[–] AshleyNyx@lemmy.blahaj.zone 28 points 1 week ago (13 children)

The ability to change the probability of events happening

[–] Greg@lemmy.ca 38 points 1 week ago (2 children)

You can only make things worse

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