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When i was maybe 11, couldn't go on a class field trip because my family couldn't afford it.
My friend group got the money together so i could join them.
I still wasnt allowed to go on the trip because what i learned late was embarrassment that my family could afford it.
It was less than 50$
I'm still salty about that
Next time the parents decide they, assumingly from a good place, give your son an expensive gift, have them run it by you. Talk to them like they actually care for your son and know, for yourself, that your care is different than theirs. We all need a lot of caring adults when we're young.
Probably just think about why that gift is a concern for you, then discuss your concerns with your boy
I don't think that the gift in itself is a problem or that your son should return it, however I would talk to your son about a power imbalance and make sure that his friend isn't asking for anything in return or manipulating him. Expensive gifts that have to be paid back is a tactic that gangs (allegedly) use to recruit people but if they are really best friends then I wouldn't be worried.
the power imbalance is if the rich friend is giving as a way or the parents, said something about you being poor and needing help, that wouldve been insulting and wierd.
Money means different things to different people. Look at it this way:
A person is a billionaire and they buy your son a car worth $90k. That would be equivalent to if you make $100k and decide to purchase something for $9. Would you care if your son spent $9 on a friend?
I understand your reservations as I would have them too. But keep in mind, giving your kid that kind of access to a network of that level is priceless. As long as the friend isn’t making your son feel subservient or lesser in any way, I’d leave it be.
My only concern is that kids that come from that kind of money, have access to very expensive lawyers, and therefore take risks most people wouldn’t take. I have seen it happen in person where I live (well used to live). It was an affluent neighborhood and sometimes the kids of these affluent people were complete obnoxious assholes. Not all of them, but definitely a statistically significant portion. That’s what I would be more concerned with. Just my 2¢.
LET. YOUR. KID. KEEP. THE. DAMN. GIFT.
If you take it away, the damage you may cause to you and yours sons relationship will FAR exceed the value of a phone.
Also, and I'm not saying this as an insult, it sounds like this is less about a phone, and more about pride. You didn't get your kid an expensive phone so him having it is a reminder his best friend's patents can afford what you cannot. Maybe tell your child that they are so loved in this world by others that they want him to be blessed by gifts he wouldn't otherwise have. Show him he's a valuable person who has earned such a nice gesture because of who he is and what he means to others. Make sure he doesn't take such a kind action for granted.
But please, let your boy keep the gift. Him having it means way more than it does to you giving it back.
I'm glad you're involved enough to know this and care about it. I'm 44 and have no kids, so take this with a huge grain of salt... But I'd probably let my kid keep it. At 16 you can just sit them down and have a talk with them about it. (And it sounds like you have.) Let them know this means his friend's family has money that he does not, and you do not.
Let him know that he shouldn't take advantage of his friend's cavalier attitude and kindness, nor should he let his friend's familial wealth pressure him. He should appreciate this, but not expect it, or feel guilty about it. And let him know this is a complex thing, and if they need to talk about it, it's better they approach you to talk about it early rather than late.
Underscore that this is squarely his friend's parents money, not his friend's. It can come and go at any time, and that's okay. Value the friendship more than the money, and if that changes, don't accept such gifts.
My folks would invite a cousin my age over for the night before Christmas when we were all in our mid teens. The next morning he would things like clothes, shoes, and an electric razor; things a young guy needs. My folks were not rich, just lower middle class and able to help out. It's a different situation than you're in. But if this family of your child's friend has money and wants to spread the love and is capable of doing so in an adult and healthy way, I personally think 16 is an age at which someone can begin to deal with the complex dynamics of monetary differences.
You know your kid better than us strangers online. And remember, they also have you on their side. Growing up is going to be difficult anyway. Just be there for them when they need it, and they'll probably be fine.
Edit: And also maybe get to know the other set of parents better. Explain to them you're appreciative of their kindness, and so does your son, but that your concern is just that you don't want it to create an awkward dynamic between your children in the future. Again 16 is young adult, but still a kid, so I understand your concern. They probably will to.
Getting him to returnerte it might damage the friendship and cause issues between you and his parents. Maybe try and find a mutual understanding that this is to much for future presents instead?
Let him keep the stuff. If the other boy's parents don't care, why should you?
why would you ask him to return, he dint buy it himself, and it was a gift. it might ruin thier friendship if you return it, it would be pretty wierd to do it, and kinda insulting.
This kind of expensive gift can turn into a "you owe me" kind of situation if the friendship becomes sour.
The phone was bought so the friends could match. This implies there is something negative about them not matching.
A discussion about materialism, peer pressure and fashion is what is needed.
Look at it from the other persons perspective they 1) feel comfortable doing this and 2) have the financial means to do so why not let them give their best friend a nice gift? I’m very fortunate to be at the income level I am but as a mom of a 19 and 20 year old if they had asked me to give their best friend a phone I would ask some questions like, do they need one? How old is theirs? Why can’t they afford one? Assuming they had a shitty old phone because they’re poor I would absolutely be ok with my kid giving a (long term) best friend a phone, especially if the friend was also open to it
Assuming they’re just well off and have normal parents I think it’s very possible this is a reasonable gift.
Anytime we have an expensive gift to a friend they personally called us on the phone to thank us, it was always awkward as hell to me but polite, so I think that’s the etiquette when you get a gift life this, to call and say tanks in person or to see them and thank them in person (the kids parents, assuming they bestie didn’t pay for it all on his own in which case that’s between the two of them imo the point of extra money is to spend it on people you love, you can’t take it with you after all)
So I’ve been on both sides of this equation. I had a rich friend growing up and they would give me random gifts like game consoles and tickets to concerts that we’d go with them. It was “pocket change” to them. As I got older, I came in to money young and started to do the same thing with my friends, and I realized why they did it and why I did it.
It’s nothing about power dynamics or holding it over others, but wanting to share in your joys and successes. I would buy dinner for friends at nice places because I wanted to enjoy something and I wanted them to also. They were my friends, I have money, why wouldn’t I want to share it? I hate when people are selfish and hoard money, so why not use it for everyone to enjoy.
In college, I had a job and one of my best friends didn't. I'd often ask if he wanted to go do something, like bowling or grab some food. When he'd say he didn't have any money, I'd say "I'm asking if you want to, not if you can. It's on me." I just wanted to hang out with my buddy.
Hahaha, I had a friend around college time where we had the exact same dialogue every time:
I wasn't rich or anything, but paying for that extra ticket or meal wouldn't break my bank and he was my friend, I enjoyed hanging out with, so I would gladly spend that money to hang out with him.
This logic is fine for concerts, restaurants etc. but it doesn't stretch to friends having the same model of phone.
Eh, it definitely seems excessive, but it's likely just a matter of scale. If they're really that well off, then spending 2 grand on a phone would be similar to buying concert tickets, or bringing a friend along to a theme park, etc.
I'm having a go at the reasoning more than the value. If having matching phones and headphones is important for social status then something is very wrong somewhere.
Completely agree. Falls into the "some people have more money than sense" category.
Why not? If they are not old enough to drive or go places on their own the phone is probably the main way they communicate outside of school. My family does hand me down phones for kids and I could imagine having compatibility issues like old android vs new iPhone can't video chat easily or whatever.
I'm not saying this is for sure the case, but I can envision a world where having compatible phones makes some things easier. It is surely not as bad as the good old days when some people had flip phones and some had smart phones. But there still may well be a gap.
I'm not arguing they shouldn't have a phone. I'm saying there is absolutely no need to have exactly the same model and headphones.
That's says there is something wrong with their social group.
Stuff like this is why I have a rule with my friends, because we are all varying levels of broke at various times.
Whomever suggests going out (typically no more than 3 people) must be fully prepared to cover the costs of everyone being invited. They usually don’t have to do so, but it ensures that nobody feels awkward because they can’t afford to go.
I’m like you. Not everyone is though. Or they might think they are, and the second they perceive any kind of sleight from the person they’ve showered with free gifts to enjoy, the resentment comes out: “after all I’ve done for you, how dare you [whatever].”
To be fair, this can come as a surprise to the gift giver too. People often legit aren’t aware that their heart is building up expectations as they do “nice things just to be nice.”
If you go back on your son receiving this gift, it'll be a dick of a dad move. Like some people have mentioned your best bet is probably to have a discussion about wealth and ethics with your son as well as letting him know your concerns. Like some people say, it's a lot of money for YOU, for these people it's not.
If they can afford it
Genuine serious question, and I'm certainly not implying that you should but, do you feel humiliated at all?
I'd be more concerned about teaching your son not to take advantage of his rich friend, to not ask him for his money and to buy him things or whatever
Bruh it's a free fucking phone. The parents said they're good with it. Stop being insecure and let your son enjoy his free phone. It would be absolutely absurd of you to make him give it back.
Stop being insecure
This is about as useful as telling someone with depression to just cheer up.
I’m not saying don’t work on your insecurities, but I didn’t get that vibe from your usage.
From a best friend, sure, I fully agree.
However do be careful when it comes to other relationships, it does have the potential to cause problems.
Think on gifting him something inexpensive for you, bake them something or something like inviting your son's friend to dinner at home. It's healthy to reciprocate within your economic situation. That way it doesn't become charity.
This. And I'd bet there is something that OP can easily do that the rich kid/his family are not used to.
I grew up house poor, and one of our closest family friends was very wealthy. I never quite got a gift that expensive but it did happen. Frequently got gifts that were $200 or more which is more than we could've returned. One year i got a gaming console and a bunch of games. That was my first console at a time my dad was unemployed for over a year.
If it bothered my parents, they never said anything. I do think if i had to return some of those gifts i would've been resentful. Not all people give gifts and expect the same monetary value in return. In fact that is part of the point for them because it is a gift that someone wouldn't have gotten otherwise. I try to do gifts like that too except I'm not rich so i try to guess what something they need but don't know about. Both can serve the same purpose of getting a gift that they wouldn't have gotten themselves by removing a barrier (cost in one case, research on the other).
You have already asked the parents, the parents are cool with it, sons friend is cool with it, and your son is cool with it. I think you should be cool with it too. I do think this will make giving gifts to this friend difficult, so you'll need to have your son lean in that second category. Or if sons friend is self aware about money he won't be asking for $1k+ gifts from friends
We’re doing fine, better than most, and my son has a friend whose family is just plain rich. They know the difference, and it’s occasionally a weird space to navigate.
But as long as they talk about it openly and honestly, they’ll figure it out.
Why do you want him to return his gift? "A bit too much" can mean a lot of things.
You would be the bad guy if you make him return it. Personally I would have a talk with your son about how unusual the act is and how his act could be used as leverage over him, nothing is free. Teach him healthy skepticism. Also call back those parents and tell them to fuck off, completly unacceptable they bought something connected and important for your son without checking with you first. They dont know your house or rules...
Edit: the phone isn't on friends family plan, right?
I wouldn't go as far as telling the other parents to fuck off. But telling them they should check with you first os definetly appropriate.
If they're fine with it, what's the problem exactly?
The excessiveness makes me feel uncomfortable... unhealthy dynamic wise.
You need to examine why this makes you uncomfortable. Is there other behavior that makes a gift a threat? Or does it make you feel uncomfortable because of a negative internal response? are you concerned about their relationship being too close because you don't want them to be a couple? Are you jealous or insecure because you could not afford the gift? Before you react be confident that you are reacting to a valid concern and not punishing your son for a very generous gift that's just a small overstep.