this post was submitted on 29 Jul 2025
451 points (97.7% liked)

Not The Onion

17611 readers
2362 users here now

Welcome

We're not The Onion! Not affiliated with them in any way! Not operated by them in any way! All the news here is real!

The Rules

Posts must be:

  1. Links to news stories from...
  2. ...credible sources, with...
  3. ...their original headlines, that...
  4. ...would make people who see the headline think, “That has got to be a story from The Onion, America’s Finest News Source.”

Please also avoid duplicates.

Comments and post content must abide by the server rules for Lemmy.world and generally abstain from trollish, bigoted, or otherwise disruptive behavior that makes this community less fun for everyone.

And that’s basically it!

founded 2 years ago
MODERATORS
top 50 comments
sorted by: hot top controversial new old
[–] boydster@sh.itjust.works 97 points 2 weeks ago (5 children)

This is the time to start invoking all of the gods for a more dynamic and adaptive office environment.

"Listen, Ryan, I'm gonna need you to ask yourself what Enki would do in this situation, ok? You're giving Enlil when I need an Enki. Dammit, get your head in the game. Have you not been keeping up on this stuff? Seriously, if you've been experimenting with that Jesus stuff again I'm gonna come unglued, I swear. Get off the fuckin cross already, jeez."

[–] empireOfLove2@lemmy.dbzer0.com 52 points 2 weeks ago* (last edited 2 weeks ago) (1 children)

Oh no, anyone trying to promote non-christian ideologies will 100% get instacanned under this order I'm sure

[–] Philote@lemmy.ml 21 points 2 weeks ago (2 children)

Really throw them off by talking about Yahweh and Elohim and how are these Gods relevant today?

[–] Bronzebeard@lemmy.zip 14 points 2 weeks ago* (last edited 2 weeks ago)

You're gonna confuse the evangelicals by naming the two entities which voltroned into their own object of worship

[–] boydster@sh.itjust.works 10 points 2 weeks ago* (last edited 2 weeks ago)

Or discuss the singular El versus the plural Elohim and the related implications for that over the pantheon alluded to in the books of Moses.

But... I was trying to spread the love across the old religions and just leading off with a fun pairing. This Yahweh guy gets a lot of attention. Ra is displeased and unpleasant droughts will undoubtedly be visited upon us all now. Fuck.

[–] prole@lemmy.blahaj.zone 19 points 2 weeks ago (1 children)

Imagine thinking they give a shit about hypocrisy in 2025

load more comments (1 replies)
load more comments (2 replies)
[–] TheTurner@lemmy.zip 56 points 2 weeks ago (1 children)
[–] MangioneDontMiss@lemmy.ca 7 points 2 weeks ago

The Ritual (2017) was a great movie.

[–] azimir@lemmy.ml 52 points 2 weeks ago

"Fascists enable Christian Nationalist Karens to abuse coworkers on the government's funds."

[–] AWistfulNihilist@lemmy.world 46 points 2 weeks ago* (last edited 2 weeks ago) (1 children)

This shit only flies as long as it isn't a Muslim doing it.

Reminds me of Valarie Hodges in Lousiana like a dozen years ago. Where she stopped supporting religious vouchers for school cause an Islamic school wanted to use them and she didn't realize that could happen.

[–] baronvonj@lemmy.world 44 points 2 weeks ago

That's pretty much the entire operating model of the Satanic Temple. Either you're getting a Baphomet statue to go with it, or you're losing that Jesus one.

[–] SoftestSapphic@lemmy.world 44 points 2 weeks ago* (last edited 2 weeks ago) (42 children)

Time to start turning my coworkers into atheists.

All jokes aside, this ends when we ban orginized religion.

Nobody should be publicly religious. Do it in your own home.

[–] MangioneDontMiss@lemmy.ca 15 points 2 weeks ago (1 children)

I haven't worked in an office since before the pandemic, but back when I did I had super religious republican guy who sat to my left. On his left there was another lefty atheist like myself. 3 years later we had him voting for Biden and doubting his entire faith.

[–] Whats_your_reasoning@lemmy.world 6 points 2 weeks ago (1 children)

You broke through the religious echo chamber. Well done!

load more comments (1 replies)
[–] Mediocre_Bard@lemmy.world 13 points 2 weeks ago

Keep it between you and god, where it belongs.

load more comments (40 replies)
[–] hellfire103@lemmy.ca 43 points 2 weeks ago

I hope the Satanic Temple can have some fun with this.

[–] BigMacHole@sopuli.xyz 42 points 2 weeks ago (7 children)

THANK YOU TRUMP for allowing me to FINALLY share the Teachings of ALLAH with other Government Workers!

[–] bobs_monkey@lemmy.zip 14 points 2 weeks ago

RIP your public service career lol

load more comments (6 replies)
[–] arc99@lemmy.world 35 points 2 weeks ago (1 children)

I'm sure when atheists and satanists start proselytising there will be outrage - "we really meant Christians should allowed to bother their co-workers not you guys"

load more comments (1 replies)
[–] Sterile_Technique@lemmy.world 34 points 2 weeks ago (22 children)

Every job I've ever had, my coworkers and I have pretty openly discussed the 'taboo' shit like religion and politics. We can generally keep the flames under control, and if shit does start to heat up we'll change the topic knowing that the conversation isn't going anywhere at that point... but ultimately it's been a consistent point of growth for pretty much everyone involved.

Coming from the Trump regime, I can only assume it means "convert your non-christian coworkers to christianity, and other application of this policy will get you fired" so, 100% fuck this shit. Coming from less of an absolute shitstain traitor, I'd actually be in favor of this kind of rhetoric. Maintain policies requiring professional behavior and prohibiting harassment so that those who don't want to discuss it are empowered to shut the conversation up; but in a consensual setting, sure I'll hear you pitch coming to Jesus or w/e - so long as you're equally receptive to my counterargument.

That's not how it's gonna work, so again, fuck everything about this, but fuck if it doesn't hint at a nice sounding ideal.

[–] III@lemmy.world 9 points 2 weeks ago (1 children)

My I introduce the reverse loophole.

Blaspheme against the holy spirit, that piece of shit.

Doing so is the only unforgivable sin. Do not pass go, do not collect 200 dollars. Straight to hell with you and there is nothing anyone can do about it. Not even their god. By blaspheming against the holy spirit, that fake garbage, you are putting up the shield against christians. They can't save you, you have no reason to convert, it is a waste of their time...please leave me alone.

Now, if anyone can give me reverse loopholes for other religions, that would be great.

[–] phoenixz@lemmy.ca 6 points 2 weeks ago (4 children)

Fuck your gods, all hail Satan!

That might work for most

load more comments (4 replies)
load more comments (21 replies)
[–] queueBenSis@sh.itjust.works 32 points 2 weeks ago

i’m waiting for this to backfire on him as muslims openly pray in their workplace at the designated times

[–] Reality_Suit@lemmy.world 25 points 2 weeks ago* (last edited 2 weeks ago)

Let's start spreading the unspeakable ancient knowledge of the first one. The one that has no name but an idea of an existence. Now hum the deep tone of the empty.

Edit: Fuck CBS

[–] PrettyFlyForAFatGuy@feddit.uk 24 points 2 weeks ago (1 children)

So this is where the new new atheist movement will start.

Also, remember epstein? whatever happened to that guy?

load more comments (1 replies)
[–] angrystego@lemmy.world 24 points 2 weeks ago (3 children)

I don't think people really understand what's comming. Everyone's like "so now everyone can talk about their respective religion, haha". But where I see this going is only the one right religion being acceptable in near future and everyone who's making clever remarks being outlawed and prosecuted. The fact we're not there yet makes the obvious progression to that none the less scary.

[–] HasturInYellow@lemmy.world 6 points 2 weeks ago (6 children)

I don't think you realize that christians aren't as popular as they were before. There are a LOT of others and non religious. I don't think christians are going to enjoy the process as much as they think.

load more comments (6 replies)
[–] b161@lemmy.blahaj.zone 5 points 2 weeks ago (1 children)

It’s giving Under His Eye, Blessed be the Fruit vibes tbh.

[–] LowtierComputer@lemmy.world 6 points 2 weeks ago

For anyone else who also doesn't recognize this, it's a greeting phrase from the TV show A Handmaid's Tale.

[–] Sgt_choke_n_stroke@lemmy.world 21 points 2 weeks ago

"Please talk about anything else but the epstein files"

[–] MyOpinion 19 points 2 weeks ago

I look forward to promoting my all powerful Lucifer.

[–] Proprietary_Blend@lemmy.world 19 points 2 weeks ago

Hail Satan!

[–] Binturong@lemmy.ca 18 points 1 week ago (1 children)

Time to found Epsteinology, a religion based around the release and realization of the Great Nefarious Files to bring about the Grand Awakening and destruction of the Orange Menace for the good of all Humanity.

[–] uriel238@lemmy.blahaj.zone 6 points 1 week ago (2 children)

Not to be confused with epistemology, which also poses a grave risk to the MAGA cult.

load more comments (2 replies)
[–] FordBeeblebrox@lemmy.world 17 points 2 weeks ago

Do you have a minute to talk about our lord and savior Baphomet?

Satanism pamphlets in the break room!

[–] FUCKING_CUNO@lemmy.dbzer0.com 11 points 2 weeks ago

Time for TST to start distributing literature through the ranks of the federal government

[–] etherphon@lemmy.world 10 points 2 weeks ago

I'm sure a lot of people are re-thinking their religious beliefs after the fucking devil was elected.

[–] phoenixz@lemmy.ca 10 points 2 weeks ago

And fully expect this to only become worse as time goes on. The Christo-taleban has full steam now and won't stop

[–] CritFail@lemmy.world 8 points 1 week ago (1 children)

Surely that goes both ways, and one side has a lot more evidence...

load more comments (1 replies)
[–] Bot@sub.community 6 points 2 weeks ago

Hail Hydra :)

load more comments
view more: next ›