This is everyone's daily reminder starting now to read Unjust Depths. Thus far it's literally so good that I regret fucking around with other books and whatever before it. I was wasting time I could have spent reading Unjust Depths 
this post was submitted on 18 Mar 2024
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Cw sex
spoiler
Uhm I had sex with my ex again. She's the only person who will have sex with me lol but its definitely not healthy. Today I didn't feel as bad but I'm always left with this feeling of "Am I even trans?" afterwards. Like, frankly I enjoy fucking and I was pretty good at it as a guy at least. And so when I have sex I just kinda... do that. Idk what else to do tbh. It's fun for sure but Like yeah... not very gender affirming. I find it's much more gender affirming to have sex with guys foe that reason but.... ugh men. Idk. I'll take any advice
sex
Having sex using your dick is a gender neutral action tbh - it doesn't make you any more or less fem (or trans). As difficult as it might be to separate it from masculinity now, it's very much worth internalising and spending some time with that thought. Fwiw that was a really difficult thing for me to accept and took a while to feel good about
CW: More sex talk
I have been and currently am in the exact same boat as you (minus the ex part). As a warning, my advice isn't fun, but it is what worked for me, kinda.
Up until a few months into HRT, I used my penis to have sex with my partner. It wasn't the worst thing in the world, but I certainly didn't like it much. It solved the problem of I'm horny, she's horny, do this and we're not horny anymore. However, we had to take a break for a few months because surgery, but we did it eventually have sex again. This time, it sent me into a wild spiral of dysphoria that took me a while to recover from because of the exact question you posed yourself. "Am I even trans?" After recovering from that extreme spiral of dysphoria, I came to a solution. It was to simply take a secondary role in sex and not bother with my penis or my own pleasure. I simply pleasured her and when she finished, I was finished. That means I've simply not had any active role in sex for a long time now, but it also means that I'm not falling into deep depression because I used my dick.
This is not an easy mindset to get into and just straight up might not work for you. After all, I'm mostly a top with other women so it wasn't any sort of issue. I also garner pleasure from the pleasure of others. So who knows. It might work for you. I genuinely hope you do find a solution though. Your situation is a very unfun one to be in.
I think it is made even more complicated since it's with my ex, but yeah. I may consider this.
spoiler
The thing is... I kinda like using it? It just leaves me questioning and feeling weird. And there are so many women who top in a gay way. I just don't know how to top in a gay way haha. The secondary Weird feelings are that I'm scared I'm falling back into a relationship with my ex. There are a few reasons why I really shouldn't do that and the first being that I can't be in a relationship rn at all. I need to be self focused. But the second is that I'm trying to figure out what I want in a relationship, and I kinda wanna try dating guys too because I've just never given that a shot. Idk I'm venting now 😅
Sex
spoiler
I understand what you mean when you say fucking isn't really gender affirming and that you are kind of accusing yourself of falling into old habits as opposed to working with a newer "feminine" thing.
However, you might try to reflect on this and try to decouple the idea of "giving" and masculinity vs "taking" and femininity. You mention that you enjoy it and you're good at it so... Keep enjoying it! You'll just be a woman who's likes to fuck and is good at it.
Now, if you feel your partners are pushing you into that role or you only do it because it's familiar, then that's a different story.
Try not to overthink it and just enjoy the things you enjoy. And keep experimenting to see if you like other things more.
The henny got me wetter than whale piss
I die for this shit like Elvis
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I’ve been wondering if I’m really trans or if it’s just that I’m guilty about being a man and also want to look extremely feminine and I can’t tell the difference because of autism/alexithymia and if that’s the case, if that means I shouldn’t transition.
But maybe it doesn’t matter? I’m scared that I haven’t really felt gender dysphoria yet and that transitioning will trigger it because I’m not actually a girl. But on the other hand, being more femme seems way too good to miss out on. I really don’t want to live my whole life as a masculine man or even as someone who looks like a stereotypical man at all.
Is being excited about getting pink plates and figuring out how to cook and stuff because it’s stereotypically feminine gender euphoria (yes I know it’s problematic)?
I used to be OFFENDED by the implication I was even into “girly” things when I was really young. I used to only play characters that were only male and be uncomfortable when other people played characters that weren’t the same gender as them. What happened to me?
And stuff like Harry Styles or whatever always made me feel weird. Like I don’t want to “genderbend” with facial hair that I personally feel is ugly and what feels like mismatched outfits to me, I want to be an outright femboy almost indistinguishable from a girl or an outright girl. I want to be PRETTY.
Maybe it’s autogynephilia but honestly maybe at this point that’s ok??? Like fuck, cis men try and do penis enlargement and cis women try and do breast enlargement, maybe I just want to be pretty too and that seems like a valid reason to get HRT.
First off, autogynephilia is a bunch of bullshit and should immediately be discarded mentally.
Second off, not everyone needs to or does feel dysphoria. It's not a necessary part of being trans. Seriously. Not everyone does. I did, but I didn't know what it was until I actually started to actively transition.
Honestly, it sounds to me like you have a lot of internalized transphobia. It might do you some good to root out some of it and try and confront the feelings that you're having.
It always comes out when I talk about myself but I never apply the same standards to other people. The days of me being afraid of people picking “wrong gender” characters are very very far behind me. I now read queer theory and am a staunch advocate for gender accelerationism
The question then becomes, "Why are you applying the notions to yourself then?" To me it sounds like you're trying to talk yourself out of it. I had the exact same brand of self doubt prior to my egg fully cracking. It took a lot of being miserable and yelling at myself in a mirror before I finally discarded those thoughts and just decided to move forward. Easily the best decision of my life.
When it comes down to it, the only qualifier of whether or not you're trans is, "Am I trans?" If yes, then congrats, you're trans. It doesn't matter what anyone else thinks or says. It doesn't matter whether or not you're experiencing dysphoria. Literally nothing else matters. Ultimately, it is your decision to make.
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Okay I was kidding about the, "I'm an ardent autogynephile" shit earlier, it's not real that was a joke, I apologise.
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Update on goodreads commie lady for literally anyone who cares, because I would like to have more trans friends haha:
Still kind of awkward here and there, haven't talked about weird books that much because I kind of refuse now. However, she was already in the know about Madiha S., so selling her on Unjust Depths has been a huge boon. Solid ground for conversation, that encompasses many subjects to stray into. Doesn't even feel that much like a hostage negotiation now, very cool. Feel like I've made progress.
It is really weird however when allosexuality. She is REALLY quite fixated on the sexy aspects of Unjust Depths, which is like, I mean yeah I guess? It has had one scene so far which was neato, because a lot of authors get cold feet when it comes to their transbian leads fucking, but it was pretty brief. Ya girl treats it like the greatest smut ever lmao. Glad she's hyped ig...
If you’re not allo than I don’t know how to describe how dehumanizing the messages you constantly receive as a trans woman attracted to women are (though of course they aren’t worse or more important than what ace people go through). It feels like being attracted to women, not just romantically but genuinely wanting to touch them in that way, is a sign that I’m a disgusting lecherous creep, and that a REAL trans woman would never want that or would at least be more respectable about it.
So it’s like, I constantly feel pressured to not only police my own sexual thoughts and feelings, but I also feel pressured to be as vanilla and normal as possible and basically not act gay at all. It’s a horrific experience I’ve only recently been fully realizing has been happening to me.
I understand allo people are annoying and I’m not trying to take away from that, but I did want to share my experience to hopefully at least contextualize why a trans woman would be so obsessed with transbian sex scenes that aren’t purposely gross or off putting.
Hi I am also attracted to women, and yeah I don't even talk to cis people 'cause I got sick of that shit. The narrative that "a REAL trans woman would never want that or would at least be more respectable about it" is bunk pedalled by Ray Blanchard or whoever, and also the desire for lesbian sex is very respectable no matter how it's expressed. I've always been an ardent autogynephile though, so :)
I do know how this is, it's actually one of the reasons I like posting (in other spaces, not hexbear) about really weird kink things. I'm a big In The Court of the Nameless Queen fan, and discovering that things like petplay or uh other stuff existed was rad, I thought it was all very cool. I always do my best to be sex-positive because we need it, there are too many people out there calling us perverted freaks, generally.
I guess part of the issue for me is I'm up to my waist in trans related literature and fiction, so while that bit from Unjust Depths is neat, it isn't anything I haven't seen before. But it's probably a lot more novel for literally anyone else who isn't freakishly weird like I am!
I wasn't impolite or weird to her about it, but between asexuality and general sexual trauma I will become nervous/uncomfortable and flighty if people, speak lustfully I guess, about sex to me. That's more what this is about, I think.
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I got some new jeans today that have basically ended my dysphoria. The way they frame me, I feel really androgynous. It even makes me appreciate my muscularity. It's all coming together!
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[Unjust Depths posting] I'm sorry to the author but this shit with Elena and Gertrude is so fucking boring. Yeah Gertrude is okay as far as being a soldier lady goes, but THERE ARE TRANSBIANS AND CATGIRLS on that fucking boat!!!! I want to go back to them!!! Shit, I'd probably even prefer Prince Erich and his evil twink to this. I did not sign up for a regency romance, I signed up for semi-automated luxury transbian underwater communism.
light spoilers for.chapter 4.x idk
Update: Okay so MAAAYBE it's cute that Elena's late mum was in lesbians with Bethany, her maid, and Bethany feels sort of motherly toward Elena about it because they're all gay, and I know probably the Brigand will swing by and use these gays to cause revolution, but buuuhhhhh I miss Murati I miss Yana 
save me gay commies... gay commies save me...
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been having an interesting experience where my bisexuality helps clarify gender stuff, and understanding my gender helps being bi finally click for me, in a reciprocal way. For example ill watch something and seeing a cool confident fem character alongside a cool confident masc character will cause clear gender envy for the former and a now-comfortable attraction to the later, such that everything finally makes sense.
most recently happened while watching this video lol https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Qve_9Ut05qk
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I wanted to go to the monthly meeting for the local trans group last night but I chickened out at the last minute. Why am I liked this? 
In other news, I got a really cute shirt that has a cartoon corgi that looks like mine and it says "world's okayest corgi mom".
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Has anyone else ever had a moment where you realized your gender or self identity was more complex than you originally thought? For me, i realized there are layers of my identity that strongly identify with machines and synthetic intelligence. I dont know if you would call that gender necessarily, but thats the closest way I can describe it
Identifying with machines and synthetic intelligence is definitely a gender, and it's an awesome gender.