LOS ANGELES—In response to the departure of longtime cast member Bobby Berk, producers for the television show Queer Eye told reporters Thursday they were struggling to find a replacement who was both white and gay. “It’s such a specific requirement—being not only white, but also gay—that we quite frankly don’t know how we’ll ever find the next member of the Fab Five,” said series creator and producer David Collins, adding that while his team had interviewed many potential candidates who were either white or gay, finding someone who was both had proven nearly impossible. “We already have one brown guy and one Black guy in the cast, so adding another gay person of color is out of the question. And though we’ve had some white gay women apply, none of them have been a good fit. Honestly, at this point, we’d probably accept any white man who has even kissed a guy before.” At press time, the producers announced they had set up the hotline 1-800-WHITE-GAY to receive any casting leads.

link: https://www.theonion.com/queer-eye-producers-struggling-to-find-cast-replaceme-1851028538

“Sir, I have them in my sights,” the drone operator said from an undisclosed location

LOS ANGELES — In an unprecedented potential crossover between the United State’s vast military might and viral TikTok dances, we have approached the CIA Predator drone circling our home to help film our “Bin Laden Dance” TikTok video, sources with their finger on the trigger and ready to do what ultimately needs to be done confirmed.

“It was just circling around and around, and we thought, ‘Hey, that’s a good angle so why not?'” said Hard Drive’s 17-year-old Jenna Marquez. “So we flashed our phone screens at it and mimed a camera. Next thing we know, it’s adjusting its angle for a better shot!”

We are proud to report that the drone seemed eager to participate once it understood the assignment, facing directly toward us as we danced.

“Sir, I have them in my sights,” the drone operator said from an undisclosed location with the tension in his voice steadily rising. “Weapons ready! Permission to engage, SIR!?”

Hard Drive’s Kevin Francis, 18, said the idea for the dance had come about after we had seen other Tiktoker’s referencing Osama bin Laden’s now-viral ‘Letter to America.”

“I personally still believe they just hate us for our freedom,” said Francis. “But man these girls are hot and if they want to collab that will do big numbers for me.”

At press time, Hard Drive’s staff was seen enthusiastically cheering on what we believed to be a red “recording on” light on the weapons system of the drone.

link: https://hard-drive.net/hd/politics/tiktokers-ask-cia-predator-drone-hovering-above-house-to-help-film-viral-bin-laden-dance/

WOODSIDE, Calif. — A confused and disoriented President Joe Biden made a stirring declaration to Chinese Premier Xi Jinping insisting he tear down the Great Wall of China, multiple onlookers confirmed.

“If you seek peace, if you seek prosperity, and if you seek to to unite to unite against the Soviet Union once and for all then you must go to the countryside. President Xi, tear down that wall,” said Biden to a small smattering of applause and stifled laughter. “And let me tell you what else Jack. I think all the meals at Chinese food restaurants should be numbered so I just have to say the number. Some of those dishes are hard to pronounce. I sit there stumbling over the words and I feel like a real turkey. Just let me order by number, or at least point at a big photo of the food.”

A spokesperson for President Xi responded to the unusual request.

“With all due respect to President Biden, Russia is a key player in global affairs in a much different way than it was thirty years ago. In our ongoing commitment to global peace and prosperity we believe that it is important not to alienate large countries, like Russia, from the global system,” said the spokesperson. “In addition, the Great Wall is an integral part of Chinese history and an artifact that brings tourists from around the world, including many Americans. We aren’t really sure why anyone would want it torn down, it’s just kind of sitting there doing it’s own thing. You should come visit sometime. It’s very nice.”

Historian of presidential foreign affairs, John Deacon, likened this to the infamous January 1992 incident where President George H.W. Bush vomited on Japanese Prime Minister Kiichi Miyazawa’s lap.

“While it’s not nearly as gross, it definitely undermines the strength that the US wants to convey in the face of a growing power like China,” Deacon said. “And the Chinese food thing… I mean, look, I get it. I have a tough time ordering sometimes too. You get in your own head, like are you pronouncing this right? Does the waiter even know what I’m talking about? What if I accidentally order the wrong thing? I don’t know Mandarin. But you keep those things to yourself and you eat whatever you ended up ordering and you don’t complain. Or you order something easy like orange chicken with a side of rice. It’s not that difficult.”

At press time, Biden proudly announced he had secured more funding for a barbaric border wall on the Southern border.

link: https://thehardtimes.net/culture/president-xi-tear-down-that-wall-demands-confused-biden-during-meeting-with-chinese-premier/

Facebook mums around the world have been devastated by the news that the next season of television show ‘Young Sheldon’ will be the last.

However, fans across the world are waiting in anticipation for the final episode, after the creators revealed their plan for the finale in which Sheldon commits a mass school shooting.

The creators of the show explained that they wanted to end the series with an emotional story that the average American can relate to.

“We want to end the show with a bang,” said the showrunner, “and we thought what better way to do that than with a traditional American school shooting.”

“It’s a storyline we’ve been setting up from the start, we have always made sure the character gives you that vibe. The same classic Sheldon we all know and love.”

The writers said they are excited to see the episode, including a little easter egg where Sheldon looks to the camera and says ‘Bazinga’ after brutally murdering all his classmates.

Some online were critical of the proposed finale saying that the ‘school shooting episode’ trope has been done to death at this point by American high school shows. However fans were quick to defend it saying that you can’t jump the shark in a show that’s very existence is jumping the shark.

link: https://chaser.com.au/entertainment/touching-young-sheldon-finale-to-end-with-mass-school-shooting/

We knew the situation facing earth’s vulnerable species wasn’t great, but it turns out a beloved seabird is doing even worse than we thought: Conservationists just announced that if there’s anything you want to say to puffins, you should say it now.

Damn. Didn’t realize things were that serious.

According to a statement released by the International Union for Conservation of Nature today, the fight to protect puffins has deteriorated to such a degree that you really can’t afford to put off your unfinished business with the small pelagic auks any longer, because new population data constructed from satellite imagery suggests there probably won’t be a next time. The message notes that while a 2008 study had previously assessed puffins as “not going anywhere anytime soon” and assured people there was no rush to engage puffins on any potentially thorny or uncomfortable topics, this dramatic reduction in the number of wild puffin breeding pairs is pretty much last call for any apologies or confessions or heart-to-hearts you might wish to have with them. And while conservationists admit that this type of broad population modeling can sometimes produce inaccurate results, they have also emphasized that if you wait too long and end up feeling like shit for not opening up to puffins while you had the chance, it’s gonna be on you.

“We don’t want people to have any regrets, so if there’s anything you’ve left unsaid with puffins, any conversations you’ve been meaning to have but never seemed to find the right time for, our statistical models indicate that it’s now or never,” said IUCN spokesperson Fiona Walker, adding that whatever you don’t get off your chest and say to puffins now is gonna stay there for the rest of your life. “We’re not gonna sugarcoat it for you: It won’t be easy to see puffins like this. Climate change, increased predation from non-native species—those things take a nasty toll, and puffins are a mere shadow of the species they were a few years or even a few weeks ago. You’ve got to be prepared for that. You might not think you can face it. But listen: You have a little time now to head to the coastal cliffs where puffins nest and speak your piece, and not everybody gets that opportunity. Whether you use it or not is ultimately your call. Just don’t act like we didn’t warn you.”

This is so sad. We really expected we’d have more time with the little guys.

We honestly thought puffins were looking pretty good the last time we saw them fluttering around the ocean packing fish into their colorful beaks, but we know sharp declines like this aren’t uncommon. One day a species seems like it’s responding well to increased habitat protection measures, then the next day, poof, it’s gone. Hell, we still feel fucked up that we never got to properly reconcile with the Yangtze River Dolphin. But that’s life: You get older, and you watch the species you care about fade away one by one. Maybe the most anyone can ask for is the chance to say goodbye on their own terms.

Well, guess we’ve got to go figure out what we’re going to say to puffins. Kudos to these conservationists for giving people a heads-up to put their feelings toward puffins out there before the end.

link: https://clickhole.com/its-that-bad-huh-conservationists-just-announced-that-if-theres-anything-you-want-to-say-to-puffins-you-should-say-it-now/

Everyone understands that video games do not accurately portray reality. In real life, eating a flower won’t let you throw fireballs, nor can you recover from a dozen bullet wounds by ducking behind a short wall for a few seconds. It’s common sense that games must take some liberties in order to be, y’know, games. Still, creators have a responsibility to ensure that their works don’t spread harmful misinformation. Unfortunately, Nintendo shirked this responsibility when they created Tom Nook, a cartoon raccoon from the “Animal Crossing” series who loans the player money to buy a house.

Tom Nook is a patient and affable lender, who does not impose any deadlines on the player and allows them to pay him back at their own pace. I can say from experience that this is not how a real raccoon would behave. They won’t let you forget about the money you owe them. Just ask that piece of shit loan-shark Randy Bandit, a raccoon who lives in my neighborhood and gave me a payday advance. That asshole is scratching at my window every goddamned night. “Where’s my money, Kyle? You still owe me that money.” Yeah, Randy, and don’t I know it. I’m gonna get you your damn money, just let me fucking sleep.

“Animal Crossing” also makes it way too easy to pay back a raccoon loan. You can just sell Tom Nook stuff like furniture, fruit, and fish, and soon enough, you’ve got enough cash. Randy Bandit owns a pawn shop, too, but he’s not quite as generous as Mr. Nook. In fact, his valuations are garbage, and that’s what he really loves: garbage. He spends most of his time in the damn dumpster. Plus, one time he took the watch I was trying to pawn and didn’t pay me anything. He claimed it was counterfeit and said it would be illegal to give it back to me. That was my grandfather’s watch, Randy! He wore it through the war! It wasn’t some knock-off from “Chinatown” like you claim. Our city doesn’t even have a Chinatown!

Randy’s got a lot of side-hustles. His new thing is that he’s an independent contractor, kind of like how Tom Nook will expand your house in “Animal Crossing.” Randy is just as pushy as Tom is in the series’ earlier games, refusing to take “no” for an answer when he suggests that you put in a bay window or replace your carpet with hardwood floors. The difference is Randy doesn’t actually do the fucking job. Oh, sure, he does the demo right away, ripping out your old flooring, putting a big hole in your wall, and covering it all up with an old, ripped-up tarp. But then he disappears. He doesn’t even show up at night to hassle you about the money you owe him.

Eventually, you go down to the pawn shop to confront him, and he acts like he has no idea what you’re talking about. You threaten to report him to the city, but it turns out that he never got his business license and there’s no paper trail, so you’re stuck finding a different contractor to complete the work at twice the cost. Oh, and guess who’s back tapping on your bedroom window at two in the morning, demanding you pay back your loan or he’ll tip over your trash cans? That’s right: Randy Fucking Bandit. And that is his real middle name. I’ve seen his driver’s license.

There’s one other thing about Randy that rubs me the wrong way, even though it shouldn’t be a big deal. It’s just that I can’t help but notice how he’s become increasingly nervous when there’s water around lately. I’m not sure what that’s all about, but it’s been making me uncomfortable. Fucking Randy.

link: https://hard-drive.net/hd/video-games/i-owe-money-to-an-actual-raccoon-and-its-much-less-whimsical-than-animal-crossing-would-have-you-believe/

Introduction

So you’ve mastered going tinkle while sitting on your bottom. It may seem that there is little more to achieve in affairs of the potty. On the contrary. I have perfected the art of balancing on two feet while making a pee-pee, and this is my MasterClass.

read more: https://www.mcsweeneys.net/articles/im-a-four-year-old-boy-and-this-is-my-masterclass-on-how-to-pee-standing-up

THE WORLD—Ready for the moment when they will rise up as one and fight to free themselves from tyranny, the world’s persecuted, exploited masses confirmed Monday they were only waiting for the right hot guy to emerge and lead them in revolution. “For too long we have been kept down, but no more: We are prepared to overthrow our oppressors just as soon as the mantle of liberator is taken up by the perfect man, who should be tall, well-built, and totally sexy,” said a representative speaking on behalf of the world’s poor, hungry, imprisoned, and enslaved, all of whom agreed they would stand up, throw off their shackles, and revolt when a broad-shouldered and thrillingly attractive leader came along and told them it was time. “The one thing that can unite us is a guy who has thick, gorgeous hair that is long but not too long and who has the ripped torso needed to look good without a shirt. In fact, this leader should never wear a shirt. Then, and only then—with a leader who knows it would be a shame to cover up a hot body like that—will the fundamental inequalities of our global society will finally be dismantled.” The masses went on to state that if the hot guy could also be a straight white guy most of them would be a lot more comfortable with that.

link: https://www.theonion.com/oppressed-exploited-masses-await-right-hot-guy-to-lead-1851015923

Apolitical bombshell is sending shockwaves throughout Washington, and it could dramatically alter the calculus determining which party takes the White House in 2024: Joe Biden just announced that he will not seek re-election very well.

Whoa! We’d certainly considered the possibility, but it’s still huge to hear it confirmed.

At a surprise Rose Garden press event today, President Biden told reporters that while he has been honored to serve his nation as Commander in Chief, he has made the difficult decision not seek a second presidential term even remotely competently. Citing factors like his advanced age and his weird and off-putting personal tics, Biden explained that he will instead spend the next year campaigning in a clumsy, haphazard manner, stumbling through his public appearances and making costly unforced errors at every turn. Though presidential incumbents historically tend to know what the hell they’re doing thanks to having won an election at least once, Biden said that after deep reflection on the matter, he’ll be amazed if he carries Massachusetts.

“My fellow Americans, I’ve come to the tough but unavoidable conclusion that my upcoming candidacy won’t have any kind of message or ground game or strategy at all,” said Biden in the address, adding that while this doesn’t necessarily mean he can’t win a second term, if he does, it’ll pretty much be by accident. “I know many of you were counting on me to mount a robust effort to hold onto the White House, but my time for shrewd political acumen has passed. Now, I begin the next chapter—completely ignoring key states like Wisconsin and Arizona, alienating as many voters as possible with bizarrely self-contradictory stances on major issues, and showing up to events either near-catatonic or tweaked out of my goddamn gourd. I wish to God I could run for re-election well, I really do, but sometimes a man has to face the facts and acknowledge that he’s gonna spend 50 seconds of a televised debate trying to remember the name ‘Barack Obama.’ Sorry in advance, and may God bless America.”

This changes everything we thought we knew about the race for the White House.

With Donald Trump’s legal woes suggesting the embattled former president may also end up not running very well, Biden’s announcement means we could end up seeing a deeply stupid rematch between two washed-up, completely out-to-lunch challengers. This isn’t the outcome most Americans were hoping for—70% of respondents to a recent Reuters poll said they’d prefer to run a candidate who won’t scare the fuck out of undecided voters by saying nonstop off-the-cuff insane shit that makes them sound like a maniac. But with Trump and Biden both indicating that they’re really going to shit the bed on this thing, it sounds like any coherent electoral strategies beyond hoping the other guy fucks up beyond belief or keels over from old age will have to wait until 2028, if we’re still doing elections then.

Wow, this announcement just blew the race for the presidency wide open. We’ll be watching closely to see just what kind of grave political miscalculations Biden has in store for us!

link: https://clickhole.com/major-announcement-joe-biden-just-announced-that-he-will-not-seek-re-election-very-well/

LOS ANGELES—In an effort to reframe the conversation by ending the discussion altogether, advocates across the country encouraged the public on Monday to stop using any term at all to refer to homeless people. “Given the widespread chronic issue of unhoused individuals, we recommend that people who want to discuss the homelessness problem in the United States refrain from making any reference to them whatsoever,” said activist Daniel Morganson, who added that instead of saying “homeless,” it would be far more acceptable to silently stare off into the distance. “Any mention of the homeless could be considered offensive, which is why it’s important for everyone to act like they don’t exist. We don’t want to risk humanizing them.” At press time, the advocates clarified that it was still okay to call the homeless “subhuman leeches on society.”

link: https://www.theonion.com/advocates-encourage-public-to-stop-using-any-term-at-al-1851012110

Some people remain vigilant when it comes to sharing germs and other contaminants. But this germaphobic lady is a little different: New York resident Willow Keaton-Levi refuses to drink tap water, but she’ll still let her dog lick her directly on the mouth!

“At least I know where my dog’s mouth has been,” said Willow, as her dog contorted to lick his butthole clean. “Who knows what kind of contaminants are in my tap water? I just like to be aware of what I’m putting into my body.”

We’re amazed that Willow is totally fine with her pup’s hot mouth but fearful of the pristine, highly regulated resevoir water that comes out of her New York City tap!

“At least I know what Laslo has going on in there,” said Willow, unaware that her dog eats cat shit out of the litter box. “Somebody else is in control of what goes into the drinking water, and there’s no way of telling how it’s managed what could potentially be added to it: fluoride, chlorine, maybe even raw sewage? It’s disgusting to even think about!”

“It doesn’t make any sense,” said Willow’s close friend Tina Michtler. “New York is literally renowned for its tap water but she’ll spend like $50 a week on bottled water then straight-up French kiss her dog.”

“She lets Laslo stick his tongue down her throat but I’ve seen her go thirsty rather than drink a glass of sink water,” added Matt Gifford, another pal. “I mean, more power to her, but I’m definitely never gonna share a straw with her.”

But Willow is confident she knows what’s best for her.

“Anyone can just stroll up to our watershed and taint it with something horrible,” said Willow, as her dog absentmindedly mouthed a tattered tennis ball. “I’m just not open to taking that risk.”

“Besides, it’s scientifically proven that dogs have cleaner mouths than humans,” she added.

It sure isn’t, Willow!

link: https://reductress.com/post/cool-this-woman-will-let-her-dog-lick-her-on-the-mouth-but-wont-drink-tap-water/

Thanksgiving is a great opportunity to reconnect with family over a delicious meal, but what if your family members still don’t accept you for who you are? If you want to finally win your family over while also finally gaining their approval of your queer and/or poly lifestyle, keep reading for five Thanksgiving recipes that are so good your family will finally accept your sexuality!

Orange and Cinnamon Infused Cranberry Sauce

This zesty cranberry sauce will have everyone at your dining table commenting on how modern and interesting it is, just like your attraction to other women, which they previously thought was “just a phase,” but after trying this seasonal combination of spices and fruits, they just might reconsider!

Buttery Herb Stuffing

This recipe will bring your stuffing to a whole new level with freshly chopped sage, parsley, and rosemary. After your family takes a bite of this flavorful stuffing, they’ll realize that being gay isn’t a choice after all, and if there’s still ones who don’t, at least their mouths will be full!

Oven Baked Mac ‘n’ Cheese

Your family will be so head-over-heels for this cheesy dish with a crunchy topping that they won’t even care that the “friend” you brought to Thanksgiving this year is actually your girlfriend. They actually might even ask her about her life and her interests, because the spices in this mac ‘n’ cheese are just that damn good!

Sautéed Green Beans with Garlic

Sure, your mom’s side of the family still might not fully accept you for being gay, especially your aunt, but once they all taste these delicious green beans, they’ll definitely start to open up. Remember that nothing makes homophobic people more accepting than when you make their vegetables taste really good!

Baked Candied Yams

Nothing brings a Thanksgiving meal together better than the sweet and comforting taste of candied yams, and these ones will have your grandpa saying, “Wow, I didn’t realize lesbians could be so good in the kitchen,” which is kind of heartwarming, almost!

Everyone knows that the best way to your family member’s hearts is through their stomachs, and these Thanksgiving dishes are so good that your whole family will finally accept the fact that you’re not straight. They still won’t understand how you can be both a lesbian and polyamorous, but that’s a recipe for next year!

link: https://reductress.com/post/thanksgiving-recipes-so-good-your-family-will-accept-your-sexuality/