The Onion

WASHINGTON—Warning citizens of a rising threat to the nation’s youth, U.S. officials cautioned Tuesday that knife-wielding doctors were roaming the country in search of adolescent children they could force to be trans. “Across America, parents are watching helplessly as trained surgeons compel their sons to become daughters and their daughters to become sons,” said FBI director Christopher Wray, who cited reports that detailed how hordes of doctors were marauding through all 50 states, waylaying as many teenagers as possible, and performing gender-reassignment surgery on them against their will. “We’re told these savage physicians are sharpening their scalpels as we speak, having discarded the Hippocratic oath in favor of a new creed, one that commits them to never resting until they’ve found every single teen in the United States and turned their penis into a vagina or their vagina into a penis. They hold a blade in one hand and a breast implant in the other. Often, a few of them will gang up on a male teen and force-feed him estrogen pills before stripping him naked and forcing him to wear a pretty dress.” According to local sources throughout the nation, once the knife-wielding doctors have successfully swapped every teen’s gender, they probably have plans to go around swapping them all back again.

In a story emerging from an ear, nose, and throat doctor’s office in Austin, TX, 24-year-old Dina Thompson has decided to be honest and tell her doctor that she has fewer than two drinks a week.

“Water, I mean,” she added, sitting across from Dr. Hans Friedrich. “I have fewer than two drinks of water per week! That’s good, right?”

Nice job, Dina! We’re sure that’s within the recommended limits!

“That is absolutely not within the recommended limits,” Dr. Friedrich responded. “That is very much below recommended limits, and honestly, I’m unsure how you’re alive right now.”

“I pride myself on drinking so little,” Dina told reporters gathered at the scene. “In today’s society, it’s so easy to be tempted to drink all the time, what with all these trendy bars and beverage-centric events. Plus, every restaurant offers water for free now, which makes it really tempting. But I’ve been doing my best to ignore all the noise and just focus on what my body needs.”

According to experts, Dina’s body needs about 700% more water than she’s been drinking.

“It’s remarkable that her blood cells haven’t shrunk substantially,” Dr. Friedrich told reporters. “They’re functionally floating around in a hypertonic solution. It’s…well, I don’t think I’ve ever seen a situation this dire, and I was a gastroenterologist during the Tide Pod thing in 2018.”

Dina reassured Dr. Friedrich that while she only has two drinks of water per week, she is careful to get as much fluid as she needs via Diet Coke and alcohol.

When asked how many alcoholic drinks she consumes per week, Dina replied, “Oh, probably about eight glasses a day! I’ve been pushing myself to hit the daily recommended amount. It’s tough, but I finally got there. I take my health very seriously. Vomiting a ton is normal, right?”

Dr. Friedrich then paused for a long time, wondering how to explain to Dina that she’d swapped the recommendations for alcohol and water.

“Honestly, I wasn’t sure if the eight glasses was recommended for alcohol or Diet Coke,” Dina continued. “Instead of googling, I decided to go with eight glasses of each, though. Figured it couldn’t hurt.”

Dr. Friedrich made a unique groaning sound then explained it would absolutely hurt.

“Oh, Dina? That girl is always drunk,” said Dina’s roommate, Maya Sampson. “Always dehydrated somehow, too, though. A real colorful combo.”

Everyone wants to be That Girl – cool, calm, collected without ever trying too hard to be cool, calm, or collected. But nobody is as laid-back and effortlessly cool as a bossa nova song playing in a hotel lobby on a warm summer’s day: the ultimate definition of smooth and self-assured. If you’ve ever been in an elevator or on hold with your internet provider and thought “Wow I love the vibes this music is putting out,” here’s how to channel your inner bossa nova – even though you’ll never unwind or be as mellow as the lovechild of soft samba beats and American jazz.

Stop overthinking.

Step one in being effortless? Stop putting in effort. Tune out your thoughts and let your inner beat drive you. An ex texting you after ghosting you for eight months? Shut it off. Intrusive thoughts about whether you left all four burners running in your kitchen? Cease and desist. Existential realization that your parents’ emotional neglect is the root cause of all your relationships ending? Push it down. Instead, try to embody the relaxation of rhythmic Latin drums and hypnotic dulcet guitar. And yes, swaying is encouraged.

Lounge. Lounge everywhere.

The key to emulating the easygoing nonchalance of bossa nova is lounge. As a verb, as a noun, as an adjective, lounge is key. Lounge everywhere you can – at home, at cafes, at bars. Lounge like it’s your goddamn job because it is now. And if you’re asking, “What does that even mean?” you’re not lounging hard enough.

Embrace the lifestyle.

Even though you can never fully emulate bossa nova’s effortless je ne sais quoi allure, that doesn’t mean you can’t encapsulate the lifestyle it connotes. Panama hats, Hawaiian shirts, cotton shorts – all essential in the bossa nova lifestyle, preferably worn on a beach or open patio somewhere.

So maybe you’ll never be as carefree as a breezy Latin-inspired melody, but that doesn’t mean you can’t curate your vibes to imitate it as closely as possible. Even though by reading this you are putting in too much time and thought into it, hey, even bossa nova musicians have to work to sound effortless, right?

Old but gold