i'm harvesting a great crop of jelly beans today
it's my birthday this week and you have to post a lot okay? :^)
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feeling weird about sexuality tbh
How so
stuff about kink giving me the ick
bad self image stuff
knowing I'm pan but also feeling uncomfortable exploring any of it and feeling too masc for lesbians and straight-ish men and also too femme for gay men and straight women
kink/trans femme sexuality hangup
conflicted and not liking how much of the porn and erotica involving trans femmes has degradation and "sissy" kink stuff where it's like more about embarrassing the femme's lack of masculinity than it is positive about their femininity but also feel weird about seeing cishet and cis gay couple stuffidk, frustrated with my own libido and also feel uncomfortable about everything and it kinda sucks tbh
the porn/sexuality stuff
Male gaze is why porn with trans women is so focused around humiliation. It's not really made for you, for the trans femme that enjoy it that's fine- it's just not their audience when they make it. Which is probably part of why it feels so much weirder for you. Cause it's, like, a disempowerment and humiliation thing for cis men (or eggs too but plenty of cis men are into sissy and forcefemme and then just go and be cis aftrr).There are some affirming porn videos (usually made by trans women) that were very very nice at a much more tender time for me lol. Very little of it even had much nudity, a lot more talking. I think therapeutic porn could be a thing but it's such a weird spot for me, cause part of what makes the porn industry so fucked up is the commodity nature of it and power hierarchy and patriarchal nature of it.
I bet you could find plenty of indie creators and pay them directly for what is both affirming for you AND titillating but, for me, the horizon of actually paying for it gives me such a weird off feeling... and it's not really a prude thing but it feels like doing harm to the person for some reason. Anyway if you don't have that hang up just check out clips4sale or onlyfans or whatever, you'll find PLENTY of people that are closer to what you want than trying to fish in a sea made for testosterone poisoned lonely cis men, you just gotta pay em for their labour.
bi-men?
spoiler
I have a humiliation fetish, so a lot of that stuff can be weirdly affirming to me, but also a lot of it can go too far and it feels weird or mean.βSissyβ stuff is pretty hit or miss I think just because of the different types of people who are into it.
Mood :(