Just thinking about how I've never felt comfortable without a shirt on. Any time I've ever gone to a pool I'm always wearing a shirt. Going shirtless as a guy just feels wrong. Like I shouldn't let people see me like that.

I wonder if I'll ever feel comfortable in less than guy shorts and a t shirt. I feel like I'd like to, there are so many cute outfits :sicko-wistful: but I don't know.

You know that scene in the Matrix where Neo gets told that the trick is that there is no spoon? That spoon stands for gender and you can make it do the wobbly thing.

I'm definitely an egg of some sort.

I'm a fucking Easter egg; everyone can see it a mile away, at this point.

New Black Dresses album fucks, surprising literally nobody

looking at a big screen streaming data

Hm, it says that when I feel like I want to be a girl, I'm happy, but when I don't feel that way, I'm depressed...

Takes off glasses

Hm... No, it's too complicated to interpret. I dare say it's indecipherable

I've been thinking about the shit people say about how there didn't use to be so many trans people (and that it's somehow not transphobic to think this is really concerning and dangerous). Did they say the same thing about gay people when they started becoming more visible as well?

Interesting interaction with stepmom yesterday. She trimmed my hair and when she finished asked if she could braid the top. Later, it was brought up and I mentioned my sister and her friend braid my wig's hair for a costume I wore like 7 months ago and my step mom was like "Are you trying to tell us something?" (they didn't know I had cosplayed as a girl character until recently, when I brought it up as a way of trying to say something but then chickened out; this time I just brought it up because it was relevant). My cousin was immediately just like "Walrus was just cosplaying" but my stepmom was like "let Walrus answer." I gave a timid "maybe" and the topic was dropped.

So, I think step-mom clearly suspected I'm trans and I wasn't just imagining that. She asked if I was a woman 1.5 years ago, which I said "no" since I consider myself an NB (this question came up in the middle of my mom going on an enbiphobic rant) but she hadn't said anything directly about the topic since but like... also seemed to occasionally be poking in that direction ever since. I guess I'm sorta out to her now? Mom was there and totally ignored the conversation (similar to the other week when we visited).

And I'm wondering again if my cousin still doesn't think I'm trans or if he was just trying to give me cover in case I didn't want to talk about it. I guess no one has explicitly said I'm trans in front of him while he was listening and sober? But between discussion of names (I still use birthname), pronouns, dislike of certain masculine terms (man, uncle, etc), presenting in fem ways at times, and taking HRT, I'd think he'd figure it out anyways.

I’ve been on an emotional roller coaster recently without testosterone and the last couple weeks was the worst, ending up crying in the middle of class for no reason, but things are looking up.

Happiness is having really impressively thicc thighs. Thighs big enough to throw off your proportions a bit, thighs of great strength.

My transition has been going better than I could have thought, I've had some bad experiences at previous jobs and my current coworkers really surprised me for the better.

Did way too much today. Wanted to go out and hit up a couple bookstores. I did, but I payed for it…again. So sore and worn out. I really oughtta stop doing this to myself.

Channelled the Divine Feminine of Housechores or whatever to sew a giant rip in the seat of my sleep pants back together. Visually it's atrocious, mother would be ashamed of me, but if it survives a wash it's a goodun and I'll feel like I'm being a good wife for my wife

Yesterday I felt like my face could never pass, but earlier today I saw pictures of other trans women with similar facial features passing just fine, and now my face kinda looks like it passes, somehow...

My issue might be more mental than physical. I think my self-perception is just really easily influenced, because all it would take is one bad selfie to make me start feeling like shit again. Another problem is that I haven't been able to fully let go of the old associations I have, since my face hasn't changed that much.

I have been thinking a lot about gender(rereading feinberg, and watching the judith butler video by philosophy tube helped), because well, women in my personal life are not "femme".

Noone uses makeup, clothes are generally treated as unisex(I and my family generally used to share clothes, everyone wore pants though), and hair is mostly short (at least for the cis women) for maintencae reasons.

So I have been saying that I want to be femme, but if I followed familliar examples, it would mean dressing as usual.

When I first told them why my hair was so important to me, the answer was: "But you know that long hair does not make a women, so why care so much?"

To which I don't have an answer except: "I like my hair". Which, is enough for me and my sourrundings.

Anyway, I deeply don't get gender really. Is the result of me thinking really hard, I know that I know nothing. I am mostly acting based on vibes, doing what feels right, and not orienting myself through social conventions(that train has left a long time ago anyway).

I am so thankful for the trans people in my life, y’all included. There’s something comforting about people just proudly being themselves and having that positive presence in my life.

I was digging through my digital library and I realised I can't name a single novel with a nonbinary transfem protag. I can name several that have ✨ uncertain definition ✨ en bees, or nonbinary transmascs, but where my fem enbees at??? If you have any cool books I could plug this gaping hole with, pls hmu and I will penicl stuff in.

there are 4 transfem people i know irl who i also follow on letterboxd. all 5 of us saw i saw the tv glow in the past week, and all 5 of us added it to our letterboxd top 4

Just watched I Saw The TV Glow, is very good and very trans. Be prepared to be uncomfy watching though!

My biggest problem with buying fem clothes is that when I get home from work all I want to do is put on pajamas and lay around. So I have few pairs of leggings and comfy cute night shirts. But that's not "going out" clothes. And even then, I'm too afraid to go into my own backyard in leggings and a cute shirt.

I did wear leggings and a cute top to one of my therapy sessions because my therapist recommended it, but the anxiety nearly killed me.

Hoping for a time where I can love myself finally 💜

Clothing dept did not have more of the cute women's boxers I was looking for. Am in shambles rn