so i was walking through the house earlier when i noticed that one board that my parents insist on keeping which tracks how tall me and my siblings were through time with the little marks and the date of when the mark was kept? out of curiosity I went and I checked my height as it stands now and... I've apparently lost about half an inch since I was 17. God I guess I wasn't going crazy, I do feel faintly just a bit shorter since starting HRT. It's totally possible it might just be normal aging things but I think it might be true, HRT does make you shrink a little
traaaaaaannnnnnnnnns
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I decided to check up on r/MTF, which I haven't done in a long time. Unsurprisingly, that sub is still as embarrassingly lib as it ever was. More so than most other trans subs. They're still unable to connect the dots, and constantly making excuses for democrats, and acting like they're protectors of trans rights while they've actually shown that they do not care. Now I remember why I stopped visiting that place years ago. I have little patience for this lib shit.
put some effort into painting my nails instead of just throwing on a quick layer like i normally do. did base coat, 2 coats black, then shiny top coat, just took my time at it while i was installing new linux on my laptop, it was relaxing. starting to think it's kinda worth the effort, they look really nice and shiny and will take longer to chip off.
Had a dream I had an avatar to go out in my place to do stuff for me, felt nice since I didn't have to mask so much only downside was resisting the urge to bunnyhop everywhere to save time
Realizing there was a period of my life where I'd skip everywhere since I thought it was both fun to do and got me around faster what if I'm actually in some sort of simulation
I'm feeling particularly content today and wish I knew how to recreate this feeling more consistently. I feel cheerful in a way where I don't feel like I'm faking it
spoiler drug
THIS DRUNK KNOWS HOW TO REMEMBER TO USE SPOILER TAGS. WHAT IS YOUR EXCUSE
GIVE ME 10 PUSHUPS
"yes please i will download a torrent of this series that is 55gb. it's only twelve episodes at 1080p but that's a reasonable file size to expend"
words no one has ever said
alcohol
Fucked up rn but felt kinda weird about "ze/hir" lately despite them being rad asf pronouns imho
Think I'm still mostly a "they/them" but being a "she/her" trans femme on occasion mite b cool
You know, just to cement the "lol definitely not a guy" feeling home
Or fuck, could I possibly be a binary trans woman instead of a weird enby that I've been living as for like a decade now???
Fuck idk
Idk maybe refer to me with she/her for awhile and I'm seeing if that's actually right or not, sorry
Like I came out gender wise as a trans woman initially a long time ago, then felt more comfortable being nonbinary, and I guess now I've kinda done full circle?
I dunno
I'm queer
spoiler . and my junk is small
:::
one of the nice things about working at a small company is sometimes your boss and half the team will just randomly leave 5 minutes before a meeting, and then you don't have to do the meeting
and I have no idea where they went, based on the timing I would assume lunch, but based on the people who went it could be a midday hike
Finally have my fertility preservation consult later today. I hope the process is quick from this point on because putting HRT on hold for a month for this was not very cash money. Just let me in the hospital goon closet a couple times so I don't have to worry about this anymore
listen well this tale of dysphoric(?) woe
Giggling with my friend at work as some of the gals we're friendly with have some incredibly candid sex discussions in the next cubicle over since the office is basically empty
She goes over to tell them that we can definitely hear everything they're saying
I think I can hear one of them poke fun at the fact that I (boymoding, only out to my friend) can hear
Suddenly reminded of the distance that exists between me and them because of how they perceive me
Feel very far away, almost "shell-shocked" for the remaining half hour of the work day
According to my friend they were actually cool with me hearing and that I was explicitly invited to join in when the next such Empty Office Sex Salon occurs. But I still can't shake the feeling that I'm different, that me being there just pollutes everything and they'll always view me with some unshakable suspicion and wariness, like a wild animal that could snap and start mauling people.
I honestly don't get too much dysphoria, to the point that I don't even know if this counts?? but this is the feeling that gets me. Can't we just pretend I'm part of the group? I'm not that much different from you on the inside, I promise.
I love you all so much. Thank you for helping me be my best self and finding true happiness ๐๐๐
silly but positive, kinda gender euphoria
I still only play games on my old 360 lol but I updated my avatar awhile ago and it's stupid but it really made me happy
The old one was my awkward teenage egg self
Now I have tits and a MJOLNIR helmet that matches my Reach Spartan and it's sick imho
All this time putting nail polish on you'd think I be good at it, nah just slather on a base coat the polish the top. The polish on my skins falls off day after and it looks like I know what I'm doing
Happy jan 6 everybody! I'm gonna be smoking weed and practicing martial arts on the porch to celebrate.
alone with my thoughts for the first time since November because all my podcasts took the week off
my new adult romantic fantasy, noun of noun and noun, comes out today
yapping about trauma
the more I think about trauma, the more unfair I think it is to make traumatized adults participate in capitalist society when they're basically kids.
social services should circle the wagons and let people heal and learn before they have to grow up. it should be given the same urgency as a house fire.
like literally it's not right. you shouldn't be able to grow up wrong. people who need to learn to love themselves should be given that care. not access, not the option, point blank, provided with mental health resources and professionals.
when someone injures their leg, it's not, "oh oh I hope you can get the help you need" it's "holy shit he can't fucking walk we gotta help". why is mental health different LMAO
Obviously I'm being ridiculous and describing something that will never happen. Wanting to be dead is a feature, not a bug.
i have the irresistible urge to be gay AND to do crime... i wonder what that's about
spoiler
depression/dysphoria/dooming
I've been crying all day. It hurts so much. I could barely talk earlier. So dysphoric about my voice. Just in general too.
I keep doing worse and worse. I've been "trying" (half assed and lazily) to get my shit together for years. Haven't been able to. I'm doing worse now. So how am I going to be able to now when I couldn't then.
I can't start hrt because I can't get better. I can't get better because I'm trapped in a disgusting man body with a disgusting man voice. There's nothing to do. I can't force myself to get better. To work on myself, to voice train, none of it. I can't. I never really could. Not quitting if I never tried.
I have failed life. So many things I will never get to see or experience. Because I'm a failure. All evidence points to me just being born wrong. Defective. Whatever ig. What makes a person turn out like this. I can't blame my parents. They tried. I wish I tried harder. Whatever. Hurts too much. What a shame. Not good enough to even try. I am such a disgusting waste of life. I wish I could give this to someone else.
My mom and I are watching the second squid game season, the trans character is cute and very relatable which I wasn't expecting (apparently the actor is a cis guy). Kinda weird how much of the trans experience is apparently universal.
We're watching it dubbed and I really appreciate that they cast a voice actress that didn't have the perfect femme voice training or cast a cis girl to voice her. She sounds more or less like I do on a "bad" voice day lol
sorry boss i can't come in to work today. my wife is holding my arm hostage while she sleeps. yeah idk i'll be in next week maybe. i expect full pay for this
sad, misgendering, deadnaming, family shit
call one relative I'm out to on the phone to catch up and vent because she was concerned and knows I've been struggling lately
deadnamed and misgendered like 6 times and talked over repeatedly
I don't know why I bothered tbh
She's "the good one" and the rest of the family would probably be worse if I ever bother to come out to them
I think the best idea is to just work on myself and my transition and maybe someday show up to something like nothing happened and act like they're weird for not recognizing me and then act really confused when they try calling me my deadname
At least I have cats