I am become waomboymoder, eater of garlic

Gonna try taking another break from the bearsite as I have some queer shit IRL planned so I wanna see if I can start doing that to help my burnout. Also think its time for me to say goodbye to this account as its getting too old opsec wise. Sucks because I like this user name :(.

Maybe I'll look into if I can just delete all my posts or something and not make a new account but that still has opsec issues do idk

crappy day folx, I decided to switch from Windows to Fedora, and after installing it, I noticed my PC only recognizes 8 out of the 16GB of RAM that should be there? I confirmed this in the BIOS, and tried to go about fixing it by reseating the GPU and RAM (I have had a problem like this before that was fixed that way), and now I can't get it to boot at all (my theory is one of the RAM sticks was fucked and I ended up fucking up the other). Luckily I have a backup mini PC I bought last year that I intended to use as a home server but never got around to setting up. But while I was moving the old PC to storage, something sharp at the bottom of the case cut my middle finger! 😵 not so bad that I have to go to the hospital or anything, but it's deeper than most finger cuts I've had before. I was just getting back into guitar and now I'm gonna have to take a break from that for probably a week 😓.

On the bright side, the Fedora experience has already been a lot better so far, I always had minor problems with Windows on my old PC, mainly to do with intermittent wifi (only fixed by limiting it to wifi 3) and random crashes (which I think had to do with the GPU driver, but I'm not buying another GPU just to see if that fixes it), but Fedora Just Works. Also I was expecting to run into issues when moving the SSD from my old PC to the "new" one, but it's pretty much been a plug and play experience.

Read the children of time this year and really loved it. Anyone has similar recommendations for generation ship sci fi?

My ~~knit~~ crocheted panda is looking a lot more odd and scruffy than the stuff my sister makes, but that's okay, he's mine and I love him

My wife thinks she can ratio me. ME!
Pfft, we’ll show her

anyone who dislikes the ember island players episode is no friend of mine

Was looking for a PCP now that I am off the student health plan and working as a post-doc, and I got lucky. The one PCP that's accepting clients at the closest (good) in-network clinic notes an interest/specialty in LGBTQ+ primary care. I don't know if I need to switch my GAC from Planned Parenthood, but it does make me hopeful that they won't be in the dark or bigoted about trans health care.

EDIT: Well, that PCP isn't available until June, and in fact it doesn't seem like any PCP is available in the clinic system to establish care until April, when I will probably be moving out of town. So fuck me I guess. Looks like I will be relying on urgent care for health issues then, or at least I have to find someplace that's farther away.

EDIT2: Well, nowhere else within 25 miles or so seems to have a physician available as a PCP until June or July, so I just scheduled an appointment that I will likely not be around for in hopes that someone else cancels. Even if you have insurance I guess healthcare is a lottery in this fucking country.

Got a metallic blue nail polish that by itself looks pretty great but I'm no longer content with just one polish so I added another glitter polish on top of it. Thing with glitter polish I feel is that it should really be labeled as more a top coat than anything, imagining just applying the glitter polish on my nails would be pretty underwhelming.

Things are finally going in the right direction

A thrift store near me is doing a sale where a ton of the stuff there is 80% off and the rest is 25% off so I might be taking home a giant haul

I still love the smell of cigarettes, including on people, not so much when making out it gets a lil gross lol. But the smell is nice

New year (and more specifically I returned home from visiting fam) and... I guess I gotta live again, and by that I mean do productive things (not that visiting fam was bad- it was wonderful, helped my mom cook a lot and just connected with siblings idk) and get my life on track as well as to a point where I could actually have some sort of notion of self worth.

I guess tomorrow and onwards will be the turning point (or it won't, but it has to be). I guess today wasn't so bad either in terms of doing some things for myself. Ought to leverage my siblings (sis could also use help really) for assistance in keeping up motivation (or having any) I guess.

Today I had a weird dream, I basically almost never dream (or at least don't remember them) but in this dream let's just say I looked somewhat different in the mirror and wasn't dysphoric and was going even in the dream. Sucks to have to wake up from that tbh, optimistic ish but don't trust myself to see it through properly. I guess I also just have severe issues of self-doubt and self-sabotage historically, been thinking of that lately (well always)

I.. I dunno, compared to previous times I'm more defeated, not running on fumes and hot air as much as before and more.. wise(?) I guess, while trying to pick myself up. But I know myself and tbh the honest truth is I just kinda have a really messed up (limbic system, lack of self worth and motivation, learned helplessness etc). How am I supposed to trust that?