A friend pointed out that all I do is vent but I never move forward. She's right. That is what I do.

Why did me and my life have to turn out so shit. Why can so many others deal with this and I can't. Suffering doesn't make you stronger, it has slowly destroyed me. I'm not a happy child any more. I'm a dead eyed adult. god I wish heaven was real. My one life, gone, ruined. Wasted. Unable to make anything of it. Because I am a disgusting waste of a human being.

I can't move forward, there's nothing there anyway. I don't blame being trans, or autistic, I blame myself. Because I am a waste. Everyone around me has tried to help, tried to support. I just suck all of their efforts down. I'm sorry for wasting so much of your time.

I don't even know why I'm a failure like this. By all accounts I shouldn't be. Maybe if I struggled more as a child I'd have been able to cope better. Maybe if I suffered less as an adult I'd be able to cope better. Maybe, maybe, maybe. Like it matters.

What matters is I can't do better. I don't understand how other people can and I can't. All the other questions have been answered. I understand so much. But not that. Why is everyone else so much more able then me.

Sorry. There really was no point saying this. I guess knowing other people know how I feel helps. Or something. I can't explain it. :::

i have a record from a band that got "cancelled" for want of a better word a few years ago and i finally have got over my weird aversion to listening to it

like it's not to the level of lostprophets where the act just ruins the art for me, but i've still been putting it off for years despite already owning a physical copy and thus not giving them any more money

Page loaded then i got jumpscared by a gateway timeout error

My metabolic panel results are back and everything is within “normal” range (except CO2 which was low? IDK what that’s supposed to mean). AST and chloride are also kinda high but still within normal range

Honestly the most shocking thing is that my glucose level is 84 even though my diet is painfully amerikkkan and I come from a family (extended, not just immediate) of diabetics

facebook ceo, mark dinkleberg

No pain, no gain

ICYMI I canceled your mother's insurance

Hi again everyone. So I sorta kinda had a mental breakdown.

On a positive note, I was able to identify a lot of thoughts and feelings that went previously unexplored. I also realize much more how important it is our identities (including terms and categories we fit into) really match our personal experience. Very relevant to this, in my free time away from most of the internet ended up finally reading Trans Liberation: Beyond Pink or Blue which was better than I expected. One thing that really made an impact on me is how focused on people’s real feelings and experiences it was. I was expecting something more academic, but it was very personal. I also felt it was much more radically inclusive of trans experiences than modern discourse usually allows. I knew before that Feinberg defined “trans” as a broad umbrella, but it was still interesting to see hir reasoning explained further. Here’s a great example from the book:

I thought this passage in particular was fantastic, but the rest has been great too. I do still have one final chapter to read, which I’m going to do right after posting this. :)

I’d love to hear your opinions if you’ve read it already. If you haven’t read it, you should. Could it maybe be a good candidate for a book club type thing?

One more 11 hour shift today, then a 3 day weekend

i feel like i'm entering the opposite of heterofatalism by basically giving up on the idea of dating women because my luck trying to have any woman be into me has been so astronomically bad that i've taken as a sign to just date men instead

is it typical to be so fucking sleepy like 1.5 hours into the first estriadol dose (via patch)

slept for 12 hours

Cleaned one of my drawers today and found my glow in the dark nail polish, thinking of experimenting with it just need to think of a good color that would work well with it. I'm leaning towards a light green I got to make them look radioactive but blue would be cool too maybe demon core core

awwwwoooooooo

Also still worried about the passport, but my therapist wrote a very nice support letter that I hope clears things up for the passport agency.

I never used tiktok before but some of these gals on 小红书 have really cool winter outfits and now I wanna up my fashion game.

Watched Hakumei and Mikochi, cute ass twee yuri anime very worth the watch. Just finished watching frieren yesterday and hoping on to this with the same composer was a treat to my ears kept squealing with how damn cute everything was