172
Milking machine (i.imgflip.com)
submitted 6 months ago by funny@lemmus.org to c/lemmyshitpost@lemmy.world
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[-] Imgonnatrythis@sh.itjust.works 120 points 6 months ago

Oh man, I have this problem to a high degree. Almost anywhere outside the home I'm embarrassed to masturbate. I feel this way at the grocery, the laundromat, even dentists office. Hospitals are intimidating, so it's a great place to start, but there are lots of places we should be putting these. Hopefully they come out with a portable version to make this something that we don't need to be embarrassed about anywhere really.

[-] hemko@lemmy.dbzer0.com 8 points 6 months ago

Would be nice to see these in supermarkets and malls, maybe in restaurants so you could pay part of the bill in cum

[-] Imgonnatrythis@sh.itjust.works 3 points 6 months ago

Well, it's more likely to catch on than real world applications of crypto at least.

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[-] lseif@sopuli.xyz 3 points 6 months ago

im sorry to say but its just a cope. these machines will never replace the experience of cranking one out in a public restroom

[-] CodexArcanum@lemmy.world 116 points 6 months ago

Too embarrassed to crank one at the hospital, but not too embarrassed to have a machine suck you off while you stand at the row of machines with all the other donors. Urinal etiquette does apply, btw! Don't be That Guy who goes straight for the middle BJ Bot!

[-] londos@lemmy.world 52 points 6 months ago

If they configure them face to face, they could probably build one machine that jerks off two donors at the same time, on the upstroke and downstroke.

[-] APassenger@lemmy.world 26 points 6 months ago

We'd have to account for their height, wouldn't we?

[-] valkyre09@lemmy.world 20 points 6 months ago

Height’s irrelevant. You need to measure the dick to floor ratio.

[-] SnipingNinja@slrpnk.net 7 points 6 months ago

Well, it's just a compression algorithm, we can apply that

[-] elfin8er@lemmy.world 2 points 6 months ago

Just put the shorter one on a stool.

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[-] huquad@lemmy.ml 25 points 6 months ago

What's the matter? The machine will cover your junk. Plus you can high five your buds after you finish together.

[-] ericisshort@lemmy.world 22 points 6 months ago

I’d hope they’d at least be in stalls so that I can only see the feet of the dudes getting sucked off on either side of me.

[-] hemko@lemmy.dbzer0.com 10 points 6 months ago

We'll you can hold hands with buddy on next machine. Helps to make itess stressful

[-] Red_October@lemmy.world 66 points 6 months ago

That's disgusting. Where would you even buy a horrible machine like that, and how much would that terrible thing cost with shipping?

[-] SmoothIsFast@lemmy.world 4 points 6 months ago

Search "banana cleaner" on Amazon

[-] asbestos@lemmy.world 46 points 6 months ago

I’m sorry Dave, I can’t let you not cum

[-] cooopsspace@infosec.pub 36 points 6 months ago

Ransomware: pay 5BTC or I'll bite your dick off

[-] SatansMaggotyCumFart@lemmy.world 34 points 6 months ago

My ex used to help everyone out like this too.

[-] mariusafa@lemmy.sdf.org 8 points 6 months ago

How kind of her

[-] _Sprite@lemmy.world 32 points 6 months ago
[-] FeetinMashedPotatoes@lemmy.world 42 points 6 months ago

When you nut but the milking machine keeps milking

[-] Lober@lemmy.dbzer0.com 29 points 6 months ago

Keeping these things sanitary must be a nightmare

[-] HeyJoe@lemmy.world 27 points 6 months ago

Is there a version that talks back to you? "Give me your sperm baby".

[-] EnderMB@lemmy.world 5 points 6 months ago

Hopefully it has customisable options - different voices, a setting to throw insults at you while it extracts the baby batter, and a FF victory jingle once you've nutted.

[-] __ghost__@lemmy.ml 23 points 6 months ago

A team of people had to design this

[-] CodexArcanum@lemmy.world 55 points 6 months ago

Once installed, a new team of people would have to maintain it. Mechanics with biotech engineering degrees. Cleaning technicians with advanced degrees in medicine, robotics, and hygiene. Eventually an aftermarket for used jizzbots would form, resulting in cum-puter resellers and replacement part manufacturers. Unlicensed spunkdroid hotrodders overclocking their barely legal Frankenstein fuck factories for orgasms previously inconceivable to the human mind. Soon we'll all be slaves to the perpetual pussy motion machine, our minds melting into one... unnnnnngggggg... wow, that was a lot to type one-handed, where am I, what's happening? (jk but this stupid gag really got away from me!)

[-] BluJay320@lemmy.blahaj.zone 20 points 6 months ago

New Lemmypasta?

[-] deranger@sh.itjust.works 14 points 6 months ago

Round after round of tests and revisions, too. Who tested the alpha version? What were the issues? I’d love to see those notes.

[-] Kolanaki@yiffit.net 23 points 6 months ago

What if I need prostate stimulation?

[-] AlfredEinstein@lemmy.world 15 points 6 months ago

HAL 9000: "Best I can do is slap your testicles, Dave."

[-] hemko@lemmy.dbzer0.com 6 points 6 months ago

Ask buddy to help

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[-] SirBucksworth@lemmy.world 21 points 6 months ago

Where can i get one? For research purposes of course…

[-] Notyou@sopuli.xyz 4 points 6 months ago

Just Google autoblow. You might have to add a stool or something.

[-] RGB3x3@lemmy.world 9 points 6 months ago

Just went to their website and that shit looks like a parody of itself.

But for $220...

[-] londos@lemmy.world 19 points 6 months ago* (last edited 6 months ago)

Guys, does girth similarity affect the machine's ability to jerk off different donors?

[-] daed@lemmy.world 3 points 6 months ago

Someone get the whiteboard...

[-] db2@lemmy.world 12 points 6 months ago
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[-] PopcornPrincess@lemmy.world 7 points 6 months ago

Everything reminds me of her.

[-] theangryseal@lemmy.world 2 points 6 months ago

If I seem a little out of it, sorry.

[-] DriftinGrifter@lemmy.blahaj.zone 7 points 6 months ago

We need someone to replace their door handle with this

[-] spacesweedkid27@lemmy.world 5 points 6 months ago

See you stick your utter in the machine and it just pumps the milk right into the container, ready to be processed.

[-] sagrotan@lemmy.world 4 points 6 months ago

Send location

[-] AgentGrimstone@lemmy.world 3 points 6 months ago

So what's the machine version of eskimo brothers?

[-] mysticpickle@lemmy.ca 3 points 6 months ago
[-] kusivittula@sopuli.xyz 3 points 6 months ago

if we had these i would donate twice a day.

[-] MaoZedongers 2 points 5 months ago* (last edited 5 months ago)

So much money spent on these machines when they could just hire an on-site hooker

[-] AbsoluteChicagoDog@lemm.ee 1 points 6 months ago

"Embarrassed"

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this post was submitted on 28 Dec 2023
172 points (93.9% liked)

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