i find it a bit strange in hindsight to ask when the exact "day" i figured out i was trans was. Like, there is a day where I really did say "oh damn none of this is cis" but for the two-three months before that i was obviously in so much denial it was degrading. I was doing/saying just... unbelievably eggy things that really just didn't have a cisgender explanation to them but I still 100% totally believed were "still cis though". I think of it like "what radicalized you", because no one even ever turns some squishy liberal into a hardened communist in a day, that shit takes years

oh what do you mean i only got the HRT appointment done 3 days ago i could have sworn it's been like 2 months already

Sometimes I look down when I'm reading a book or whatever and I'm like "ayo, boobs, incredible!" you would think after nearly a decade the novelty woulda worn off, but uh I guess I'll never get tired of the "soft curve". Hydrodynamic, as Maryam calls it...

Why though? I'm kinda like, if gender is hugely culturally constructed, why so pleased to have boobs? They do not do anything, they're arguably inconvenient? Idgi, but my brain sure does.

One of the weird things about my existence is that I didn't really spend a second thinking about it when I first discovered what transition was, I just went "k imma girl now" and followed my gut. Good instinct, very cool of me, but it means I have done almost zero critical thinking about my own gender, ig.

Why did I waste years of my life as an egg?

I know you all knew!

If you gaze long enough into the estrogen, the estrogen will gaze back into you.

Back to work... aaaaaannnddddd my anxiety is back haha. I wish I could take a month off work.

On a totally seperare note the trader Joe's daily facial sunscreen is so comfortable. Not too expensive either my plan is to wear it for laser treatment but just a heads up!

Being trans is like a keep trying not to die challenge every day forever, it is hard not to become bitter.

also funny in retrospect is how easy it was to finally get rid of the "why does it feel like it's literally impossible to look in the mirror and feel attractive?" feelings that i've had for as long as I can remember because all I did was:

1. put on $5 bralette
2. toss flannel on over it without closing it (literally one of the flannels i've always worn everyday for fuck knows how many years)
3. mentally apply the girl curves filter

and I was asking "Uhm, Hel-lo Ma'am??? 😳 before i even got to step 3. by that point i had to sit down what the fuck what do you mean it was this easy????

Switching to patches from pills tomorrow now that I don't need to hide my being trans from anyone I live with. Is there any particularly good spot to place it or am I fine just putting it on my thigh?