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this post was submitted on 15 Jul 2024
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traaaaaaannnnnnnnnns
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sad posting family stuff
I guess my mother's initial reaction to me being trans was more shock than anything. She initially seemed to take the news really well and was supportive. But I guess she's been struggling with it ever since. I called her yesterday and she told me how upset she's been all week. She's been grieving the death of her son she said, among other things.
She still wants to be a part of my life though , so I imagine that she'll get over this in time. I hope so. The only other people from my family I care about are my dad and grandma. I haven't told them yet, but I don't think either of them will take the news well at all. And I don't think they will ever accept me. But if that's what they choose then that's their choice.
This just has me feeling all blah today.
Annoying how frequently initial reactions aren't always indicative of how someone is going to process things. But like I guess it makes sense. If a parent didn't already suspect you were trans and generally haven't thought about trans people, the immediate desire to be supportive of someone you love should dwarf any thoughts on some abstract concept you haven't had any time to process.
Also, if I was a parent, I think I'd feel bad if my hypothetical child felt like they had to keep something like that a secret from me. I think any decent parent should feel that at least a little bit. But some may not realize that they're feeling guilty and instead attribute it to other ideas they're fed by transphobic sources.
I'm curious how much of your outward personality around your mom have really been a mask you no longer wear vs you're basically the same person she's known. If its the later, what does your gender matter to her? If its the former, then that's partly on your family for not making you feel comfortable being the real you around them. TBF, given social pressures outside the household, its really easy to slip into masking even at home even if the mask isn't expected at home.
Hopefully she gets over it soon and best of luck with the rest.
I'll gate this behind a spoiler to keep the thread shorter, cw negative stuff some abuse
In my case my mother had known there was something off about me from young as I would try to wear makeup, play with my sisters toys, try to wear my sisters clothes and such.. But I'd be punished for it, that included verbal and physical abuse. I won't go into more but that is some of the tells from me growing up and I had years of abuse between being trans and autistic.
I'd mulled over how to tell her and my family for years and I repressed and disassociated for a long time because of what I was put through growing up.
I thought this too
if I was a parent, I think I'd feel bad if my hypothetical child felt like they had to keep something like that a secret from me.I'd thought stupidly her mothering instinct would kick in. But my mother was an abuser.When I told her I was going to transition, she pulled that grieving for my death phrase. (I've mentioned above I lost my brother when I was a kid) so it was a shock to hear this, I had known it fairly common for a parent to say something like that or feel loss but I didn't think it would feel the same. I felt incredibly guilty.
She pointed out my age said I am a man and a load of other transphobic shit, along with using my brothers death as a bludgeon to try to guilt me out of transitioning. She also denied that I showed any signs of being trans..
This was the ongoing end to our relationship because I'd taken years of abuse from my parents and she tried to dissuade me and invalidated me on top of that
I'm sorry for dumping that here and its super negative..
spoiler
Sorry to hear that. So many parents suck. It annoys me how many people become parents who aren't ready to deal with children who aren't allocishet, neurotypical, and/or able-bodied. And some aren't even ready to deal with children in that category either. Meanwhile, LGBT couples have to jump through all sorts of hoops to prove themselves "worthy." And even that didn't stop them from approving my birthmom (TBF, she was mostly a deadbeat, so not particularly abuse - but she did manage to lose custody of us to a non-biological lesbian parent in Texas).My mom has gone out of her way to make sure we know she doesn't assume we're heterosexual and that we can be open about that with her. Given her transphobia, I know it doesn't necessarily mean she'd feel similarly about gender. She also tries to say that she doesn't care about our gender presentation and has told us that she doesn't care if we wear dresses or whatever, but like, she's complained regularly about any sort of fem-leaning presentation changes I've made She avoids any fem-leaning presentation, so I think she's partly just projecting her own dislike of those things and partly she's worried about the prejudice of others (given the era she grew up in, I'm sure she's experienced her fair share of homophobia). I sorta believe she wouldn't pull the "death of my son" line because she doesn't really seem to believe in gender to begin with IMO. But who knows? She listens to conservative talk radio and likes to random repeat talking points...
No worries. Glad that it seems like you've been able to move on.
Many parents do suck
and it really sucks for our comrades who would want to have kids and as you say jump through those hoops. It is an unfair world at times for sure.From what you've said about your mom being against fem leaning I'd agree with your assessment, personal bias can skew out views sadly but it is understandable. I'm sorry that it makes it difficult for you though, a case of heart in the right place but clouded somewhat.
I know it's probably difficult for you if you want to present fem, I'm genuinely sorry, she sounds like a good person at heart and I get her trying to protect you as clouded as her views are. I hope in the future things can improve for you (able to dress fem leaning) if that's what you want.
I have some bad days but I have my wife for support. Thank you for the reply <3
spoiler
Thanks. I agree her hearts in the right place. Given her own issues with gender, I sorta give her a pass. She's also tried to be supportive at times, but its usually obvious she's saying things to be supportive, which sorta betrays a slight disapproval? I appreciate the effort though.
I still do some things how I want, but still feel like I should avoid certain things. I don't live there at least.
Random funny story: One time, I was wearing thigh highs under my pants and after I took them off and left them on the floor in my room (or maybe in my shoes). Not even 30 seconds passed from when I left my room to when our little dog (who loves stinky socks) brought one of my socks out into the living room where me and my mom were. At least the dog seemed to be pleased with that clothing choice! I don't think my mom noticed.
spoiler
She seems like a good person under it all so I'm happy for you there. Supportive is better than nothing c:Getting out of the same space is probably the best too, at least you can present how you feel when not in that space
lol that's really funny about the dog, I bet it was super awkward but funny too lol, they always love stinky socks funny that lol well hopefully you can get peace to wear your socks now that you have your own space and no dogs to tell on you ^^ I wish you well in your future endeavours c:
It's extremely annoying. I thought everything was going good until I called her back a few days later and she was upset. I think she'll eventually get over it though. I'll be calling her again this afternoon to check in so I'll probably update when I do.
Comparing your child coming out as trans to them dying is such a big fucking yikes.
Yeah it really hurts. I'm not dead, in fact I'm more alive than ever. If they can't/wont see that then that's their problem.
It's fucked up, but this is an incredibly common reaction from parents. It's not necessarily indicative of where she'll be a year from now.
When I first told my wife, she didn't handle it in a great way (imo). But after some time has passed, we're closer than ever.
I've been talking to my friend from my hometown about transition, and he said "man, I'm sad I never got to say goodbye to [deadname]" and I'm like, "I'm still alive, asshole lmao"
He's 100% supportive, too.
My husband had a similar reaction when I initially told him. Like your situation, we're now so much closer than we've ever been. Hopefully my mom will get there too.
I KNEW my mom would be cool with it. There's still the terror of the horrible reaction, the "you will never be a x, get out of my house" reaction, but my mom was always cool with LGBTQ stuff her mom (grandma) is a lesbian with a wife. So I knew it would be good.
I didn't expect the reaction to be... nothing. I came out to her, we sat in silence for a few minutes and then I left lmao. She was great about it later, though just the initial response was strange
Wish being lesbian prevented people from being transphobic...
My grandma was totally chill lol, it was my cishet mom who I thought would have a good reaction who ended up too stunned to speak
I wish I could have transitioned while my gran was alive, she was the only family member who supported me
FUCKING CIS PEOPLE
This is what I hate most passionately: these type of people are "grieving" their own internal fucking perception of you, what they apparently liked more than the actual you now. Someday I will declare cis people expressing these kind of thoughts to be a crime. They need to get over themselves and support YOU if they care so goddamn much.
She should probably get over it at least, sadly/thankfully it's not the worst reaction so I'm hoping it goes well with your mother.
Thanks. I needed to hear this. To be honest I find the whole notion really insulting and belittling. I'm alive and thriving. I'm present and happy. Instead of being excited to meet the real me, they're crying about who I used to be. They don't trust me or believe me when I say that version was actually factually killing me. They don't trust me that the real me is the one worth knowing. And I just have to sit here and listen to it.
My mother said this to me.. she had already lost a son, my brother when I was young. So was a weird thing to hear when I told her I was transitioning.
In your case I think from what you have said she's trying so it is a decent sign I hope this passes for her and she can realise she hasn't lost a child. I wish you the best for her and the rest of your family I know it is difficult.
venting
It really is such a weird thing to hear. "It's like your dead. Waaaaaaa." Uh newsflash, if I was dead we wouldnt be having this conversation. I'd be, you know, dead. Instead of being excited to meet the real me, I have to listen to her lament her suffering over the loss of the old me. I understand that it's a common thing for people to feel but for fucks sake it's incredibly self centered. As if my suffering means nothing. As if my feelings aren't valid. I should just go back to how they saw me because it was more convenient for their narrow worldview.
Oh no the old you is dead.
Yeah. Good. He sucked and was trying to kill me. Him being dead is kind of the whole point. Glad we could have this discussion.
Sorry I just really needed to vent that.
::: spoiler It is weird for sure and very self centered on them. All to do with some sort of made up identity they have of you rather than actual you.. Hopefully it will subside and things improve for you.
You dont have to apologise, it is upsetting to hear that kind of stuff, I hope the vent helped.
::;
The vent did help.
I'm glad it did c: