A place to share and discuss stories from The Onion, Clickhole, and other satire.
Great Satire Writing:
Because I'm sick of seeing the same trite "how is this satire" comments every time I post in this community, I've decided to start including the definition for everyone:
Oh hey! It’s my kid’s school!
She’s safe, but holy shit I’ve never been so scared. I feel hollowed out
Glad your kid is safe. Cannot imagine getting that phone call.
It was rough, luckily when we got to staging we quickly found out that kids in her area were fine per rumor, but it was unofficial so I was still very stressed, but that hope helped. She seems unaware/unaffected currently. Thinks it was a field trip, so she seems to have been pretty well shielded from it
I'm so sorry you had to go through this. I know it doesn't mean much, but it's all we've got.
Thanks for checking in and putting a human face on these events. They're too often blending together, and they really, really need to not.
Fellow Madisonian here.
I'm very happy that your daughter is home and safe with you tonight.
My kids go to Middleton HS. Even so, today was a very scary day.
Thanks. Pretty weird knowing that my kid is probably more fine than I am, and it was her school. But there was a part of my day where I really thought I could be burying her
I wonder how this will be as I actually start to process it, because I don’t really think I have yet
Kids are wonderfully resilient for the most part.
They should not have to be that resilient though.
Who ever owns that gun, should be absolutely crucified and thrown in jail as accessory to murder. Apparently the girl, who was the same age as my youngest, had a long history of suicidal and homicidal thoughts.
There are too many morons that own guns and they really need to start paying the price for being morons. You want a gun? Fine, for the first time in your life UNFUCK yourself and spend some time thinking about the responsibility of owning a weapon. The 2nd amendment also say "well regulated militia". Maybe gun owners should be mandated to join a militia where a Marine drill Sergent instructs them the ins and outs of gun safety in that way only the Marines can do.
I'm sorry you had to deal with that, but I'm glad your family is ok.
Every time I hear about these events (so WAY too fucking often) I think about my kids, and I hope that we never have to deal with that situation. I'm in the state, and I have plenty of friends in Madison. This is practically hitting home for me.
It also reminds me of the situation we did deal with, which was an abuser. When my kid was in kindergarten. We're pretty sure nothing happened to our kid, but FUCK. I have never wanted to beat someone to death with my own two hands before, but given the chance I definitely could have seen myself losing control.
What a fucked up country. I was going to say world, but no, it's just here.
Pretty fucked up yeah
I wish something would be done about this, but that’s not going to happen with the incoming congress and administration
Yeah it’s kinda crazy to me. Happened litterally just on the other side of the lake from me only a few miles away.
I can't imagine getting that call and having to wait to find out. Glad she's good.
Thank GOD it was only a School getting Shot up and not a CEO! I ALMOST thought I had to Care!
Authorities are busy trying to determine whether Luigi Mangione was involved in the school shooting.
Oh was there another school shooting?
I hear there was one in california around the same time Thompson got his medical license revoked
CEOs not schools
Shot CEO's not schools.
No see, if you put that in there you are obviously inciting violence.
"CEOs before Schools" I can stand there with a straight face and talk shit about how Libertarian policies are the best thing for the nation and that liberals waste money on dance and music classes for kids who should be learning a trade...
Board rooms, not class rooms.
Well shit, what school got shot up today? Haven't looked at the news yet, but odds are depressingly good that there was a school shooting somewhere around the US most days.
It was a k-12 private school in Madison, Wisconsin. It's being reported that one teacher and a student are dead (the shooter is believed to be the dead student), and two more students are in critical condition.
I don't know what's worse: the fact that these don't make national news anymore because they are so common or that I found out about the shooting through The Onion of all places.
this is what living in a terror state looks like. eventually the terror is so constant and ever present that you become numb to it. the best thing you can do is talk to friends and loved ones about how all this makes you really feel and how your proximity to this terror in your personal life has impacted you. we the people must take responsibility for weaving the narrative of this terror because the powers that be benefit from it and nurture it.
Yeah, I find out from seeing this infamous Onion headline. Again. Unfortunately we all know what it means by now.
News stations local websites usually have tabs at the top of their screens now for news that is a daily thing. Stuff like sports, weather, traffic, school closings for cities that live in snow regions. That sort of thing.
"Public shootings" is now a tab on some local news stations....like this is the new normal.
Headline should be "Student mistakes school classroom for insurance company boardroom."
It's the new hot thing to do if you want attention. School shootings barely get reported on any more, but if you kill a CEO you get a whole month's worth of attention. Even UFO's can't get that murder out of the headlines.
Imagine seeing that the entire nation will hate you forever if you shoot up a school and then seeing that the nation will love you forever if you take out a CEO and you still choose to be the biggest pussy on Earth by going after innocent children.
From the owner of the onion on Bluesky:
The 39th time we've had to post this, and this time about The Onion's original hometown.
Glad to see that the US is back to normal despite the weird politics and everything.
It's some sort of irony that I don't think things will change for the better without violence. The ultra wealthy that drive a lot of culture war bullshit, that enshittify everything for more profits and "growth", who pollute the air we breathe and water we drink, aren't going to just give up power.
I'm just so tired of everything being so needlessly bad. Stop shooting kids and teachers. They aren't the problem.
We never didn't need violence and always will need it... Police is institutionalized violence, the judiciary system is how we figure out how much violence to punish people with.
Society needs them as long as there are things society wants to stop people from doing. It's when this system doesn't work anymore that we need violence from other sources, but still, we need violence.
Here I was hoping school shootings had gone out of fashion and CEO shootings were the next hip thing.
Ugh, this seems to be the way I find out about most school shootings these days.
Seeing that there has been a school shooting in the US is a bit like seeing that a new Call of Duty game has been announced.
Pretty sure there are way more school shootings. There's only what, 15 cods?