this post was submitted on 11 Aug 2024
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chapotraphouse
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How is this not a huge compliment? Dating men is literally the worst cause they are like this.
It's very easy to read as "I don't find you super attractive but you seem like someone I could settle for once I'm done playing the field"
Her intent seems to be more "I don't think I could have hooked up with you and moved on because of how special you are to me" but she phrased it in an ambiguous way
The first interpretation is extremely foreign to me. Do people just marry someone who they don’t like that much because they wanna settle down?
Yes all the time.
Yes thats most of the hetero marriages/long-term relationships. They simply grab the next person who "is there". There is like a lot of silent expectations in hetero social circles to have an active relationship. I notice this everytime people do not know that I am gay yet hahaha.
I would say most marriages throughout history are basically exactly that. I may be won't, but honestly I don't think I'm wrong. It has a lot more to do with availability than compatibility (which can be developed, tbf)
I think this is a sticking point for me. My wife and I have worked hard and paid a lot of attention to make sure we’re both growing and that we’re growing closer instead of apart. I understand statistically that if I could somehow review billions of people that I could find someone more immediately compatible with me, so availability was a major factor for us. But we consistently have been told people are jealous of our relationship and we were barrels of red flags when we first got together. By the time we married we were excellent communicators who adored each other.
I don’t want to shame people who haven’t had this experience because I’ve clearly missed out on a lot and I’m not so naive as to think everyone could just git gud at relationships. The whole discussion just seems foreign to me as a result.
Amab. I get it but it sounds backhanded af. Like you're with him more for security, comfort, resources, and less for personality or physical attraction (which isn't the end all be all, but can help a person, y'know, get there). And it could be a multitude of things but idk saying that you wouldn't boink your partner if they were in a line up of boinkable dudes while you were in a period that you really wanna boink doesn't necessarily feel good. "I don't want to have casual relations, but I would really like to marry you (for your womb to birth my offspring though)" - some strawman idk
As an """"AMAB,"""" this left me scratching my head confused as fuck, and I still don't understand how someone could be so upset by it. I'd love to hear nothing more than this from my partner.
Point for my gender being validated I guess but also a point for me hating cisheteronormative bullshit.
At this point IDK if this is for it against and idc, just pointing it how it could be an issue for most men. I'm not really one for marriage and would rather be single. I myself don't want meaningless sex but to be exploratory(kinks, trauma, neuroses[basically amatuer sexual therapy and seeing what exactly makes me tick and what I actually like because I still don't really know]) and if I would marry them I probably would've been fwbs at first, because idk I'm not one to care about 'sanctity', and would like to know I'm physically / sexuality compatible along with everything else. I just don't see this as someone who's prioritizing ownership of a hole and more of a physical insecurity by mentally comparing themselves to people they've fucked or would've fucked previously.
So what was she supposed to say to her bf of 2.5 years, "hey if I saw you on an app i'd totally have a meaningless one night stand with you and then never talk to you again"?
It seems to me that this man is just highly insecure that his gf may have had previous partners because he views her as his property basically.
I don't see how someone telling their partner "if I saw you on the street I wouldn't find you immediately attractive" is something that wouldn't bother you. Maybe the dude is overreacting, especially since she seems conciliatory and apologetic, but if I'm suffering from a period of body dysmorphia and my S.O. tells me that it would hurt a lot. People like to feel desired and this compliment, intentional or not, could easily be taken as saying you're not.
She said she wants to marry him. how is that not a huge compliment? it also definitely implies sexual attraction. if my partner said that to me I'd be
for weeks.
If you're in a good headspace I think your reaction is 100% percent typical and the right way to interpret it. The kicker is sometimes you just feel like shit about your body and that changes the way you understand it. I hope this guy gets over it because it clearly wasn't meant that way, but he'll have to work through his emotions to do it. It really does impede the way your mind works
She could just not say it, she doesn't have to say anything about it. It's not like they were having a discussion or she was asked directly about it or something.
"Man she's hot, not like you though honey, remember I married you, because I love you, not because I enjoy sex with you."
I don't think anybody should be comparing anyone to their partner(s) and doing this will always lead to issues. Saying I'd rather marry you than bang you is kinda an issue, not because they aren't going to bang but it can hurt because of whatever insecurities they might have.
My girlfriend occasionally notes she'd have noticed me at a party or in the streets if I wore that outfit before we were together as a compliment, which is nice, I assume it's more in that realm and not "I don't care about you at all but you're hot"
"I would not consider you a sexual partner, were it not for our pre-existing social relationship" isn't really something I'd consider a compliment.
That is how I understand what is being said, and my understanding comes largely from the fact that FWB is also denied as a possibility, since that is also a long-term social relationship, but one based primarily on raw sexual attraction rather than social dynamics.
I've seen other say it also comes off as saying you're "settling" for the same reasons.
I see people saying variations of "what they mean is that they couldn't just be FWB". That's not what is being said though, and that meaning is lost in the way it is phrased. That would have been a compliment though.
According to the post she did say she wouldn't be just FWB or Hookups with but marry". Which does arrive you at "You're hot and I want to boink you, but I couldn't just boink you because then I'd be lovesick on account of how great you are" which is a sick ass, major compliment, but I really do understand how the 1 - 2 levels of abstraction required to get there might easily be missed in the heat of the moment and smart a bit and how starting your bedroom compliment with "I wouldn't hook up with you" could use some polish
I feel like I'm missing something because in the body she says "he wasn't someone I would hook up with or be fwb with, but marry" which to me is very different than "some I wouldn't just ..."
she obviously likes him cause she's distraught that they're having relationship issues. she was drunk when she made the comment. you seriously wouldn't find it endearing to have your drunk partner give you a silly and awkwardly phrased compliment? I think that sounds awesome.
But even if I didn't, I would ask about it the next day inatead of abruptly leaving. Surely this could have been cleared up with a short conversation.
I gotta be honest I find your response here annoying as it seems to be arguing against a lot of stuff I haven't said, whilst not engaging with what I said. It also doesn't answer my question.
I do not see what that has to do with what I wrote. I did not write anything about wether or not she liked him, I am writing about how I interpret what has been said and in this comment you're responding to I am asking about the specific language used. The premise for the post is that she intended to compliment him and he didn't take it as a compliment and now she's distraught. It's a given that she likes him and that she didn't intend this, and I have not argued against either. I don't get why you seem to think that I am.
No I actually hate getting compliments from my partner 🙄
This is again not really related to what I'm writing. The discussion isn't wether or not people enjoy compliments, but wether or not what was said is actually a compliment.
Yeah, I agree? Again I'm also not writing about wether or not he was justified in reacting like he did, just how I also do not see it as a compliment.
Especially since they were both drunk at the time. That could very easily increase the breakdown in communication. Whether it be the man misinterpreting or the woman misremembering exactly how it was said. It makes me think of how I sometimes get a bit rambly when I'm drunk and the point can kinda get lost.
I think every one earth wants to be considered hot, smart, and funny. If your partner says something that comes off as suggesting you are not one of those things, it can be hurtful.
It's a backhanded and insulting "compliment". It can easily be seen as if she's saying that she's settling down and he's not her first choice, or that she doesn't see him as physically attractive but wants to have a long term relationship with him because of the "security" he offers. Pretty much almost every man that's attracted to women in some way will see this as a backhanded compliment or negging. No one wants it to be implied or told that they're not sexy or fun.
Yeah other people are pointing out ways that it could sound backhanded, but unless she said it in a pissed off voice it seems innocent and much more thoughtful than the more usual compliments you might think of.