But to her, her problem is Capitalism - and Im capitalizing it on purpose. She's intensely focused on how there's no hope because of Capitalism and there is no point in therapy, medicine, seeking community, anything until Capitalism is abolished. Now, capitalism (the actual system now) absolutely is gonna make her problems worse and contribute to them and she would probably be better off under socialism or whatever. But to start off saying that she cannot deal with any problems, mental or physical, until Capitalism is abolished is really just a way to say she doesn't want to or just can't bring herself to do anything about it.

Her problems she talks about or identifies are pretty standard constellation you'd see online: transgender, neurodivergent, disabled, chronic conditions, permanently single, etc. She's not wrong that all of that can make life harder - but you can live a happy life and feel good about yourself while having them all. Saying you're doomed to a worthless life because of that is actually quite hateful, its just not extended outwards like chuds would do.

And its frustrating to watch someone, like, refuse to take steps towards getting healthy. I see it at work too with frequent fliers who just deteriorate - like diabetics who come back with another toe lost, or now blind, more MRSA cellulitis, scabies or whatever. She asks for advice but gets frustrated that it circles back to "you need to get in therapy, eat healthy, sleep 8 hours and keep good sleep hygiene." But also doesn’t do any of that or give it an honest shot - like one session with a therapist 5 years ago is not "I tried therapy and it doesnt work" and you gotta keep sleep hygiene for longer than 2 days, and you have to actually eat your meals in a day and not just fill up on water and a bite of cake...

But thats also how depression works as a disease. It makes you think nothing can work and saps away your resilience and inner wherewithal/reserve to try even after a failed attempt. Kinda reminds me of borderline - which is actually very treatable and DBT actually is quite successful and effective, its just really hard to get people to go to it and stick to it. But if they do, it works! Kinda sucks the same organ that does reasoning and makes plans is the one thats effected by the illness.

I had insurance at the time of the stop, but I had changed carriers to bundle with home insurance and forgot to download their app. Whatever. I was able to figure out who my insurance carrier was during the stop and navigate to their website, but the cop said "we're past that" because he'd already written me up (and probably also saw the M on my license). Again, whatever.

A month later I show the clerk of court my insurance card... but little did I know it wasn't valid, because my insurance has effective date periods of 6 months and my card showed a date range after the stop. But they said it was fine at the courthouse! They said I was done, I didn't need to do anything else. I only found out that it was invalid later, but I thought I was done and wasn't looking for more mail from the county! So, by the time I saw the letter it was too late to present proof of insurance. Fucking, whatever.

So then I had a court date set up, and I'd have to appear under my deadname and try to pass as a man despite my chest being pretty hard to hide at this point, but fucking whatever I can handle the humiliation. I went through the trouble of printing out physical copies of everything too, so I could present it to the judge and we could get this dismissed. I even picked up a basic outfit I thought was masc enough so I could be all presentable for the court (and hopefully they'd not rule against me.)

And I've been so scared, because technically they could take my license for this if they decide I need to be taught a lesson or something. I've been panicking in preparation for this court date for months. Random outbursts of crying, self harm, etc. I even rode my bicycle 32 miles to and from work to see if I could survive without a license (conclusion: maybe??? it'd be hard as hell!).

And somehow, after all this fucking effort and all that panic, I misread the date. I thought it was on the 8th, not that it was in August. All my preparation was for nothing, I failed at every single step of this debacle and had to pay like $500 in fines and fees. I decided not to appeal, because fuck this shit I don't want to do this anymore I am fucking done.

Didn't lose my license though! So, I'll survive this. I just feel so humiliated for making this series of extremely simple errors that I could have avoided with even a second more attention at any point in the process. I could have immediately downloaded the correct app or (even better) requested ID cards, I could have checked my mail and would have seen I needed to provide more documentation, I could have read the court date more carefully - over and over and over I failed to do even the most basic tasks.

The brain damage from my bike accident years ago must be worse than I thought. I guess I need to keep a journal or something, maybe look for some apps or something, holy shit, this could have killed me! I've been so miserable for most of the year and have spiraled up and down the mental health rabbit hole because of this nightmare. But. I endure. $500 poorer, but this didn't kill me.