I'm mad that my catears are at my ex's place and I don't to go to him

I have my first meeting at a second hormone doctor this friday, this time one with recommendations of the local trans community, hopefully it goes better than last time. Also I should probably tell my father what's going on, sometimes soon. I am horrible at lying, it basically only works for me by keeping people from asking the right questions, and he is surely going to ask the right questions soon anyway.

2 cheap screwdrivers drunk and keep thinking about how much it hurt being attracted to women in a way that i wanted them to be attracted to me and how that just couldn't happen. i was always gay for women. fuck

I just saw an IKEA commercial on TV which had a in it, and as soon as I saw that I was like

First laser removal session in an hour, to find a nice cheap place recommended by trans friends I had to go to another town by train and walk, its like in the middle of a commercial/industrial area thats just for cars, lame. Feeling excited and nervous. Also extremely dysphoric since I'm unshaven, stressed, couldn't put anything on my face and I'm in a laser clinic with mostly women going by and looking at my gross face

Do I actually need a gender label? What if I just didn't have one?? There is a tiny part of me that longs for the rigid structure of the "woman" box, and I could still very roughly fit that, but also my authentic self does not really fit that box, so.

Cw for mentions of suicidality and childhood trauma.

Had a conversation with my mother yesterday where it seemed like she finally came to accept me but talking to her today, nothing has changed since my childhood where I was constantly of ending it. I can only get HRT because she does not know and if I keep living with her, which seems to be the case, I can only keep her from running her mouth by threatening to leave and basically babysitting her. She doesn't understand she did anything wrong and will never understand.

Wish I could wear my hair up and still feel good, but I need it to hide how square my forehead is and my sharp jawline. Once it doesn't do that my face looks 10 times more masc and I hate it :/

Today is a Genderweird day

If you had the opportunity to go perma stealth, never get misgendered again, never have anyone know, would you?

I’m so tired all the time and I know part of it is the ADHD and the OCD but also I wonder how much of it is the background dysphoria. It feels like I’m treading water through life. HRT save me…

How do I tie my hair up and have it make me look more feminine instead of more masculine?

feeling my trans femme levels go down at the end of every week as i wait for the next trans mega to be posted

So uh 👉 👈 anyone have any ideas for things someone wanting to try out being transfem could do (ideally without having to buy stuff, that's hard for me logistically)? I've already been shaving and liking it, I'd kinda like to try on cute clothes but :sicko-wistful: I'm just not really able to atm.

I've been thinking of getting hormones, but that might be such a hassle and also, having to come out to my family, absolutely fucking not no no no no no no. My parents are very nice to me, they're really cool, except they are republican level conservatives and transphobes. I also have no means of supporting myself yet, and even if I had, i wouldn't want to cut ties with them, even if they say some of the worst transphobic shit I've ever heard. Some times I want to just lash out and point everything that's wrong with what they say, but I know they don't care.

just got some fun thick thigh high socks coming in the mail. i'll be able to put them on after work :3